What You Hear Is Honey Take My Coat
by callmesandy
Summary: AU from 4.18, follows all the way to the series finale, sort of. Pacey and Joey stay together, break up, get back together, together they find a way. WARNINGS: Suicide, suicidal ideation, depression, violence, time spent in locked wards. Depression. (Pacey/Joey primarily, but also a few side pairings.)
1. Chapter 1

Notes: not mine, no profit garnered. Title and opening quote from Francesca Charbrier's I will break the silence in Holland Appaloosa. Thanks to A for beta. Thanks to google for an actual report on the state of health insurance in 2002 that was what I needed.

* * *

 _I am singing I am not getting the words right_  
 _What I want to say is my darling_  
 _I am the yellow flower amongst the totally blue fields,_  
 _but what you hear is honey take my coat and cover up_  
 _because it's raining like hell and pounding like hooves._

Pacey felt the dip in the bed as Joey got in next to him. It wasn't much of a dip since she was a very slim young woman. She said, "Dougie says you had a bad day and night. Arrested, missed some tests. I'm pretty sure Jen and I had a better time in New York City and Jen was in tears for most of that. Two people spat on me. For no reason."

"Great, now I can add your voice to the Greek chorus of failure. I hope you all learn to harmonize because those flat notes are killing me," Pacey said, closing his eyes.

"I negotiated with Dougie, we have a punishment all lined up for you," Joey said. "But I don't think you should think of it as punishment. I think you should view it as an opportunity, and I know that will be hard."

"I'm going to think of it as puppies, sweet puppies you and Doug got for me," Pacey said. "I hope there's a golden retriever because that's my favorite dog."

"Pacey," Joey said, her voice serious and her hand on his heart. "I love you. For some reason you keep getting in your own way and I want you to address that annoying habit, which isn't even a habit but turning into a solid character trait. You do things like skip exams, get drunk and tossed out of bars and worst of all, spent time with Drue Valentine."

"I have no idea what you're talking about, this isn't a character trait or habit. I know what you mean by that recitation of my recent acts, but the other thing," Pacey said. "My failures are my failures because I am a failure."

"You're nothing of the sort," Joey said. She pressed down on Pacey's chest. She said, "You did well when you had Andie pushing you, you did well when I was pushing you, you did well when Miss Jacobs was tutoring you in her disgusting way, and every time you fall behind because you stopped being pushed, you always catch up. You're smart, Pacey. Right up until you come close to realizing it, really knowing it, and then you screw up."

"I'm not that smart," Pacey said.

"Yes, you are. Stop it, Pacey. Whenever someone you like tells you you're smart, you rise to the occasion. When they're not there, you fall back to this mess, to this idea you have of yourself from wherever you got it. Maybe it's not because you're failure but because you have actual mental problems," Joey said. She shifted again and kissed him, her mouth warm.

"Is that what you and Doug have planned? You tell me I'm a failure not because I'm a congenital moron, but because I'm fucked in the head. That's quite the opportunity you're offering." He wanted to push her off of him. He was so tired of getting everything wrong.

"No, you're not going to like this at all, but thanks to Doug you're going to see that therapist Jen was seeing."

"You think I need therapy?" Pacey rolled on his side away from her.

"It's therapy or a week alone with Doug being lectured. In the woods. Camping," Joey said. "You pick."

"Right now?"

"Right now," Joey said. She pressed against his back. "Pacey, I love you and I think you should do this. By this I mean the part without constant exposure to Doug's idea of roughing it."

"Okay," he said. "Okay."

They made him go the very next day. Doug drove him in silence until they arrived at the office. "Take this seriously, Pacey, you're losing time to turn it around. Soon you'll be exactly the failure you think you are and everyone will give up on you."

Pacey glared at him and then got out of the car, slamming the door. He went inside the office and looked Jen's ex-therapist up and down. "So, what happens now? We find my childhood trauma and I get straight As after that?" Pacey tugged at his jeans. "If we can get this done quickly as possible, maybe even in the next 10 minutes, because I have more tests."

Frost said, "Do you have a specific childhood trauma in mind?"

"My potty training went okay." Pacey said, "No one touched me the wrong way."

"According to the notes from your brother, you claimed a woman had touched you the wrong way and then retracted it."

"See, no bad touch," Pacey said. "I didn't say it was a bad touch before I retracted it as made up nonsense. Which it totally was, by the way."

"A 36 year old having sex with a 15 year old who is also her student is bad touch."

"Not if I wanted it," Pacey said. "And in my made up version I definitely wanted it. I imagined myself initiating it. I imagined myself being a little pushy, a little arrogant in retrospect, to be frank."

"If it had happened, that Ms Jacobs didn't turn you down and instead embarked on a sexual relationship is what you're calling bad touch, no matter how much you wanted it," Frost said.

"What 15 year old doesn't want sex?"

"So if your friend Jen had seduced a teacher, a Mr. Jacobs, you wouldn't have qualified that as bad touch," Frost said.

"Yes, but women and men aren't the same when it comes to these kind of power dynamics and sexual politics," Pacey said.

Frost looked intensely skeptical. Then he said, "Let's talk about teachers, then. Have you had any supportive teachers?"

"I guess so," Pacey said. "This is fun. Are we almost done?"

"Tell me about your teachers," Frost said.

For a perverse bit of rebellion which he was unable to resist, Pacey decided to start with kindergarten and go forward. To his astonishment he actually remembered his kindergarten teacher calling him a loser and a sure failure. What kind of fucked up teacher said that to a 5 year old?

"Why do you think she said that?"

"In retrospect, it's the small town sheriff curse. My dad had arrested her boyfriend, I think. Minor league drugs, small time assault, the usual petty crimes he combats as the chief lawman around here. She went to highschool with my oldest sister, too. So there could be something there."

"Wouldn't she have said similar things to your sister, is it Gretchen? As well?"

"Maybe she would have," Pacey said. "Did say. But Gretchen would have told Mom and Dad and Dad would have told her it was wrong. Or Doug."

"But you didn't tell?"

Pacey was looking at his hands. They looked alien to him. He'd have to check with Jen if Frost induced Alien Hand syndrome. "I told, I think. I don't have complete recall of every moment of my life when someone was belittling me and I tattled."

"It didn't go well when you told your parents," Dr. Frost said.

"My mom laughed," Pacey said, remembering. "She didn't tell me why it was funny. Of course it was funny, this teacher is taking out some years old grudge on a five year old. I didn't find that out until I was 12 and then it was from Gretchen."

"Did you have friends in the class?"

"Sure, Dawson. Who is now dating Gretchen, for God's sake." Pacey sighed. "Some other kids we knew. Joey. I still know half of the class, it's Capeside."

Then his session was over and he was sent away after finding out he had to go every day for week. "I need intensive therapy for bad grades?"

"Apparently, if you want to graduate."

Pacey went back to the house and opened his books without thinking. There, he thought, there's your breakthrough. It was his kindergarten teacher's fault. He went to the make up test Joey had had to beg for him to be able to take. He'd done that for her once so this was tit for tat, he didn't owe her anything. It wasn't a convincing argument when he said it in his head.

Then it was dark and all he had was a voicemail from Joey saying she would try to come back the next day. Gretchen was off somewhere. Pacey sat on the porch, watching the dark sky. He could just stare and stare and listen to the ocean. He was sure he could hear it from here.

His father pulled up and marched up the porch. He said, "Pacey, what did you do this time?"

"Failed, what do you think?"

"Shut up," his father said. Pacey had stood up at the anger in his father's voice, in his finest defensive stance. He was unprepared to be hugged by the man. "Shut up," his father said.

Pacey didn't say anything. His father said, "You were always too much like me. Like I was when I was kid. The youngest, too sensitive, always with my heart on my sleeve, always getting crushed. Not like Dougie or your sisters." His father abruptly let go so Pacey sat back down, staring up at his now pacing father.

"My dad left right after my mother got pregnant with me. He's dead now," Pacey's dad said.

"You don't talk about him."

"When I was very young, my older sisters told me over and over again that he didn't want me and that's why he left. They did it to toughen me up."

"That sounds shitty," Pacey said.

"I didn't want you to be like me at that age," Pacey's dad said. "I wanted you to stand on your own, learn who's reliable."

"Not family," Pacey said. "Got that."

"Yes, family," Pacey's dad said. "You can count on us. Pacey, if you never go to any kind of college, I will still be proud of you." He said it looking down at Pacey and Pacey felt something twisting in his chest. "I mean that," his dad said. "You're a good person. Stop fucking around."

"I really felt it up until that last part," Pacey said.

"You know what I mean," his dad said.

"That's a weird vote of confidence," Pacey said. "Thanks?"

His dad sighed. He rubbed at his face and then said, "Pacey, just don't let shit from when you were young drag you down."

"Okay," Pacey said. There were no hugs of weird family pep up talks as his dad left.

Gretchen came home late and woke him up.

"Decided to sleep on the porch?"

"Sure," Pacey said. He could see the moon now. "Did you know our grandfather, Dad's dad, the one we never knew, he just deserted the family?"

Gretchen was already walking inside and he followed her. Gretchen said, "Of course I knew. He tried to come by once, our deadbeat Grandfather. Mom sent him away and when she told Dad, he blew up at her. I swear, I've never seen him so mad."

"I have no memory of this," Pacey said.

"You were 6. You probably don't remember because Dad was so mad he yelled at Dougie, who promptly took it out on you," Gretchen said.

"Everyday occurrence that that was," Pacey said.

"He broke your tooth," Gretchen said. "Luckily it was a baby tooth."

"Wow, still no memory of this," Pacey said. "Should I take that as a good thing or just that it was all so regular it doesn't even stand out?"

Gretchen was looking at him with pity. Pacey said quickly, "Did Dad find deadbeat Granddad?"

"Yeah, about two weeks later. He'd had liver cancer, he was apparently a huge alcoholic, he died two days after he tried to see Dad. He'd remarried twice, Dad technically has a total of 12 brother and sisters," Gretchen said.

"I have cousins all over Capeside I don't know about it? None of them were named Potter, right?"

Gretchen smiled. "Family 2 is in Rochester, New York, Family 3 is in Dayton, Ohio. If you meet someone from those two cities, ask if they're cousins. You're totally safe in Capeside," Gretchen said.

"Has Dad even met them?" Pacey sat down on the couch. This had been an overwhelming day, like unbelievably so. All he could feel was that he was over everything.

"No," Gretchen said. "Paula went looking for them, she's met a lot of them. He never wanted to. She was trying to trace her medical history and do some genealogical project, remember when she was into all that?"

"I remember that, I remember none of this," Pacey said.

"Well, our parents suck," Gretchen said. "They always kick us out of the room when this stuff comes out."

"Dad told me about the deadbeat part tonight," Pacey said.

"Good for him," Gretchen said. She yawned. "See you in the morning."

Pacey woke up with his head feeling heavy. Literally heavy. He dragged himself to school, dutifully did all his school work, because he wanted revenge on that damn kindergarten teacher. He would show her, he thought dimly.

He found Jen in the halls. "Did you hear they're making me see your ex-therapist?"

"I did," Jen said. She looked up at him, smiling. "He was helpful. I bet you, too, can be helped."

"Why does everyone think I'm fucked up?"

"You were hanging out with Drue Valentine," Jen said. "Please trust me, that is a sign of diseased mind."

"Didn't you two used to date?"

"We never dated, we had sex a few times," Jen said. "I wasn't the sanest when I was with him."

"But now you're great thanks to Frost," Pacey said.

"Exactly," Jen said. "I'm awesome."

Then it was another fun hour with Frost. Pacey reeled off the revelations of the previous night and ended with, "Guess who I haven't seen since this forced march to therapy started? That would be my girlfriend."

"That makes you angry," Frost said.

"Yes, yes, it does. She makes me feel small, like her my little pony project she's ushering from place to place to be fixed and good enough for her," Pacey said. His vehemence surprised him. "Sometimes I hate her."

Frost nodded. He said, "I have some questions for you, Pacey."

It was all the standard shrink stuff Pacey had ever seen on TV. He was rolling his eyes in anticipation for when he got some pat diagnosis. Pacey was many things, but he wasn't like Andie. He didn't have the problems Andie did. If he had, he would never have had the strength to get well like Andie did, so that was lucky for Pacey.

Frost wrote something on his prescription pad and handed it to Pacey. He said, "I would say you're clinically depressed, Pacey."

"No, I'm not. I'm not. What's this a prescription for?" Pacey was angry all over again. He was so incredibly irritated at this man.

"It's an antidepressant. It will take about 3 weeks to really have any effect, so we'll need to start meeting twice weekly, probably for the next month at least," Frost said.

"You mean even after graduation? Why would I do that? Either I graduate or I fail, so what's the fucking point?"

Frost stared at him, unfazed, silent. Finally, he said, "Why are you so angry, Pacey?"

"I know what this kind of thing is, my ex-girlfriend, she was sick. She's better now, I'm not sick like her, and I don't know why you want me to be this -" Pacey clenched and unclenched his fists in his lap.

"I don't know if your ex-girlfriend was clinically depressed or if she'd received a different diagnosis. I know mental illness manifests differently in people and specifically, depression in men often looks very different from depression in women," Frost said, still not raising his voice.

Pacey fumed, he was convinced his head was about to catch fire.

Frost said, "None of this has to be as hard as it is for you. Please think about that."

Because his mood was unbelievably foul and he'd just said he hated her, Joey was waiting outside for him.

She could read him well enough that she just sat there, not trying to hug him. She said, "I'm sorry I've missed you."

"You already got into college, why are you killing yourself over your grades?"

She nodded, like that was an answer. "Pacey, do you just want to hang out?"

"I have to go to the damn pharmacy first," Pacey said.

Joey opened her mouth to ask something and he was ready to slam her down verbally, just scream at her. But she said nothing. He went to the pharmacy and remembered Andie lying to him about her pills and the two of them buying condoms. He was still so angry.

They called his name and the pharmacist, who knew his father and mother and all of his siblings, looked at him seriously and said, "Make sure you pay attention to the side effects, son."

"Thanks," Pacey said.

He sat in the truck and read the whole pamphlet and instruction sheet while Joey sat next to him in silence. "I don't know," Pacey said, "if my mom will be thrilled to hear I'm crazy because now she's the long suffering mother of not just a black sheep, but a deranged one. Or she'll be ashamed because I did this to make her look bad." He was so glad he'd cut off Sunday night dinners after his birthday.

"I say number one," Joey said, looking like she was seriously considering it. "The better question is how long it will take to get from the pharmacy to Grams's knitting circle. That's a real puzzler."

"Two days," Pacey said. Part of him wanted to smile at her, because he loved her and she had done nothing wrong except be wonderful. But he had this wave of anger and ennui to wade through and it felt like a lot of work.

"Things don't have to be this hard, apparently," Pacey said. He knew it had been easier to just do everything last year. Part of last year. This was a bad spell, he thought. One from Jen's book someone had cast on him.

Joey said nothing. She leaned into him. She plucked the papers from him. She said, "You're supposed to take this with food. Let's get dinner."

He hadn't said it was okay for her to just read that, God, why had Andie ever put up with him invading her privacy? But he put on his seatbelt and started driving.

He didn't feel much different after his week of mandatory daily therapy. His father had relayed the message through Dougie that Pacey was expected to keep going until Frost said he could stop. Pacey was so glad everyone cared. He was ecstatic.

He was suddenly determined to graduate high school if only to get this accumulated weight of everyone who kept saying they loved him so much off his back.

Saturday night, he laid on his bed with Joey, who was bucking for sainthood putting up with poor crazy angry Pacey, such a good girlfriend, like she was a good student and did everything well. She said, "Do you want to go to prom?"

"I don't give a damn," Pacey said. "Do you?"

"I don't know," Joey said. "Last year was kind of a protracted nightmare in places, but some of it was so perfect. It'd be nice to go to a dance with you as my date like it should be."

Pacey said, "I think Gretchen is going. With Dawson, obviously. I also think they had sex."

"I know they did," Joey said, smiling. "She told me, he told me."

"No one wanted to talk to me," Pacey said. "No one even bothered to lie to me that it hadn't happened."

"You've been easily irritated," Joey said carefully. "Enough of your own stuff to deal with."

"Fine," Pacey said, irritated all over again. "I read these pills were supposed to make you feel numb and rob your creativity so you feel nothing at all, think they'll kick in in time to make Prom a perfect experience for you?"

Joey frowned. "That wouldn't make it perfect for me. We don't have to go. I'm serious, Pacey. I don't need to do the whole high school ritual thing just to show -"

"That we're still together? That you're such a good person for putting up with me?"

"You're fun, Pace," Joey said, getting up. "You don't get to be an asshole to me because you're going through stuff."

"What am I going through?" Pacey heard his voice, the sad pathetic tone.

Apparently Joey did, too, as she laid back down on the bed next to him. She said, "Your shrink thinks you're depressed. You had such a bad day you hung out with Drue Valentine."

Pacey smiled. "He can be good company."

"No, he's really not," Joey said. She got on top of him. She hugged his neck, tucked her head into his shoulder.

He said, "Is this your way of saying you're horny? I'm not having that particular negative side effect so I'm totally up for it."

She kissed him and he rolled her so they were face to face, on their sides. He kissed her over and over again and she made soft happy sounds as they pressed together. He pushed her shirt up and tugged her tank top down so he could touch her breasts. He loved the way she loved it, he loved the way she responded to his hands on her. "I love you," he said. He got both of her tops off and then held her hands above her head.

"I love you," she said as he got on top of her. She wrapped her legs around his waist, her hips pushing against his. She kissed him again and again and he let go of her hands to be able to hold her face, push her hair back.

She wiggled out from under him and reached for the bedside table. "If we're out of condoms, I'm going to cry," she said.

"We? We're not," he said, sitting up. He took off his shirt and got his sweatpants off. He'd really dressed to the nines for his exciting Saturday.

Joey bent down and sucked the tip of his penis in her mouth and then licked up and down the shaft. He swallowed and touched her hair. She sat back and put the condom on him.

He slowly took off her pants and underwear and then touched her between her legs. She was already wet and she rubbed herself on his hand. Her eyes were nearly closed in a familiar kind of joy. He made her feel that way, she made him feel better. "Come on," she said, smiling.

"I love you," she said, as he entered her. They'd found their rhythm somewhere around the second time they'd had sex and it never left. He wanted her so much and she even loved him.

He touched her and fucked her and shifted positions until she came and then let himself go. He kissed her again but then got out of bed and threw away the condom, cleaning himself up. He came back to the bed and cleaned her up. She curled into him and he held her. "Okay," he said. "We can do prom, just don't make me do anything. I'll show up in a nice rented tux but you gotta do everything else."

"Okay," she said. "I'm gonna make Dawson do it all."

"Now that he's no longer the virgin king of Capeside, I imagine he's up for anything," Pacey said.

"Don't make fun of him," Joey said.

"It's my sister, I get to make some fun," Pacey said.

He stopped being angry. He spent a week feeling nothing. He got his work done, took his tests, kissed his girlfriend, even had sex a few times. He wrote a whole paper for extra credit to push one of his grades from D to C. He really liked only having to seeing Frost twice a week.

Frost kept saying, "It doesn't have to be this hard."

Finally, Pacey cracked. "What the fuck does that even mean?"

"You're finding life pretty hard right now. It doesn't have to be that way. What you're doing, therapy, medication, if you let it, you might find that life can be easier."

"Well, now that you've explained it, I'm getting it. I'm totally getting it," Pacey said.

He put on his rented tux and drove Gretchen over to the Leerys for prom pictures and all that. He smiled when Joey squeezed his hand and sat quietly in the limo. He felt some genuine joy dancing with Joey, seeing everyone happy. Joey drifted off, so Pacey went out on the deck and watched the water. Joey still connected with people. Pacey didn't remember how to anymore.

"Hey, Pacey," Dawson said. "We haven't talked in ages."

Pacey smiled. "You're fucking my sister, man. I'm afraid to talk to you, you might tell me about how great the fucking is."

"I'm not," Dawson said. "We're having sex, it's much more than fucking."

"That is such a Dawson way to put it," Pacey said. "You're not devaluing the romance and important true love aspects if you call it fucking."

"I disagree," Dawson said. "Fucking is brutal and without meaning."

"Well, I am nuts, you might have heard," Pacey said. "But I still think it's okay to love someone and call the sex fucking."

"You're not nuts," Dawson said. "And I did hear, I wasn't going to bring it up unless you did. I didn't realize we were joking about it."

"When am I not a joke?" Pacey ran his hands along the railing.

"You were never a joke to me," Dawson said. "Even when I hated you, I didn't consider you a joke or a failure. I mean, I hated you for being better than me with Joey."

"I think you said otherwise once or twice," Pacey said.

"I did hate you," Dawson said, laughing.

"What I am, standing out here, what I am is mostly tired," Pacey said. "Mostly. But it's nice to hear you say that."

"It's still hard to be nice to you," Dawson said. "That's actually a joke."

Pacey laughed. "I like when you're talking to me, though, I like that. As much as I like anything these days on this medication."

The next day Gretchen knocked on his door around noon. "Cover up, Joey," she said.

"She's not in here," he said. They'd gone from the boat to Joey's room at the B&B, had fantastic and quiet sex and then Pacey had left her to sleep in his own bed so Bessie didn't kill him. Bessie would let Joey sleep over at Pacey's whenever, but god forbid she see Pacey at the B&B in the morning.

Gretchen walked in and leaned against the door. "Did you take your pills?"

"Yes, please don't ask me that again," Pacey said. "I had breakfast and took my damn pill, and went back to bed."

"Insomnia is definitely not your problem," Gretchen said. "I went to prom again last night."

"Yes, you did," Pacey said. He sighed. "How did that make you feel?"

"Old and washed up," Gretchen said. "Although the sex after was much better than the first time."

"Ugh, Gretchen, no sex talk from you ever. You're not old and washed up," Pacey said. "You're taking a break. You met a guy. I'm still upset you had sex with my best friend, but, on the other hand, I'm a medicated crazy person."

"How long a break am I taking?"

Pacey said, "How long do you need?"

"I should get back to college. I should graduate," Gretchen said.

"I'm probably graduating," Pacey said.

"That's great," Gretchen said. "When Dawson leaves for LA, I'm going back to school. I'll take a few summer classes then I will get back on track."

"You weren't off track," Pacey said. "Your track didn't look as straight as you thought. But it was still your path. It has a few bumps and twists but you're still on track."

"You're so wise," Gretchen said. "Seriously, give yourself some credit for some great brotherly advice."

"Whatever. Let me sleep," Pacey said.

He slept a lot. He was still mostly numb. His father told him he had found him a job for the summer. "I'll pay your medical bills, and you can pay me back" was the deal offered. Pacey wondered how expensive his medical bills really were. The job would apparently cover his rent through September at least. Then he would go to Boston where Joey would be.

"Do I get to know what the job is? Not yet. But it will pay back my Dad."

"It's probably a lot of money," Joey said. "If you don't have insurance. Which you don't as soon as you're out of school."

"However that happens," Pacey said. She was sitting at the end of the bed in her underwear with little flowers on it and white tank top. She'd been studying, for a while. Now her books were on the floor next to his bed and he was staring at those tiny flowers on cotton and getting hard. "I love when you come over here."

He took his finals. One of his teachers tried to piss him off, but Pacey was too busy trying to stay awake to do more than think 'fuck you' in his head. He bit his lip. He stared at the questions and filled them out. He remembered all the things he'd studied. Frost had said that maybe Pacey studying without procrastinating or being distracted was the person he was without the illness. Pacey didn't think much of that idea. He knew exactly who he was, his essential loser nature had nothing to do with any quirk of brain chemistry.

Joey was invited to another Worthington party, with the Dean asking particularly for Pacey. "Do you think it's something good?" Joey was so excited, putting on her lipstick. She looked completely gorgeous. She had an idea it would be something good, that would get Pacey in college.

"I think he thinks I'm funny and wonders if I'm interested in being the groundskeeper at his private mansion," Pacey said.

Before the Dean talked to him, he watched Joey talking to everyone. He remembered her the first time, now she knew who she was. She was stronger. She barely needed him. She'd dump him any day now. Her dress was clingy in ways that made him think about how she looked underneath it.

The Dean offered a job on his yacht.

"I would love to, you have no idea how much, but I promised I'd take this job my Dad set up. He's covering my medical bills, apparently I have a condition and you know, thanks to Hillary, we're not like Canada and bills got to be paid."

"No chance of doing that from out on the sea?"

"It's tempting, I swear," Pacey said. "But I owe my dad, so." He was almost afraid of the job, like he'd get on the yacht and never come back, stay out on the sea forever. No Frost, no pills, no one he would bring down to his lowly level. Joey would miss him. He loved her. He had to hold on to that.

Pacey was sitting on his porch again, staring out at the night while Joey did something festive with Jack and Jen. Pacey had thought about going, he was going to graduate tomorrow, too. But Dawson was off screwing his sister and Pacey found the idea of leaving this chair more than he had in him.

He'd never really thought he was depressed, but taking the medication for it sure made him seem like it.

"Pacey," he heard.

"McPhee, I would recognize that squeal anywhere," Pacey said. She came into view, all super blonde smiles and happy. "What are you doing here?"

"I went to the graduation party and talked to everyone, well, not everyone, because you and Dawson weren't there but I saw Joey and Jack and Jen. Of course, I was all up on Jack's life already," she said. She sat down on the the table in front of his chair. "How are you?"

"I'm on, on -" he named the medication. "Apparently I'm depressed. Did you ever take that one?"

Andie had the softest eyes. She said, "No, I haven't, but I have really bad insomnia and that one is more for people who sleep too much. Why don't you think you're depressed?"

"Maybe I'm comparing myself to you," he said.

"I'm not depressed," Andie said.

"You think I am," he said.

"When I went away, you sat there in your exams and didn't write a word," Andie said.

"I was sad," Pacey said. "I got over it."

"You probably would have gotten over this one, too, this episode, but who knows what kind of damage you would have done to your life before you did. Look at everything I did and I knew I was sick."

"That's a good thought, Andie," Pacey said. "I'm graduating, too. Thanks to all this medication, I guess. I didn't get angry and blow up at people, I barely talk to anyone. But god bless, I still want to have sex so life has meaning."

"All this medication," Andie said, laughing. "You take one pill twice a day. I take three in the morning, two at night, and I have one I take in cases of emergency. You're nothing. Weakling."

"Always compared to you, McPhee," he said. "This stops eventually, right?"

"Not necessarily," Andie said. "Some people, like me, are on medication all their lives. But some people only need it for a little while. Or a year."

"I just want my life back," Pacey said.

"You're going to graduate," she said, smiling.

"I'm going to graduate. Not going to college. But sure, I graduated high school."

"Yes, you did," Joey said, coming in. "Nice to see you again, Andie."

"Nice to see you again, Joey," Andie said, hugging her. "We're both going to be in Boston next year, like we said earlier. We'll have lunch sometimes and a friendly rivalry between Worthington and Harvard."

"It's so sweet how well you two get along. I know this might sound inappropriate, but how about a threesome?"

They looked at him with identical expressions. "It was worth a try," Pacey said.

They graduated. He swung Joey around after her speech, laughing with her because how could he not? It was Joey and he loved her.

Dawson left, Gretchen left.


	2. Chapter 2

Pacey worked construction all summer, making money hand over fist compared to any other job he'd had. He went to see Frost twice a week though he never had anything like a breakthrough. Mostly Frost wanted him to recognize when he was getting low in the mental sense and needed a tune up. He refused to take Pacey off his medication. It was awesome. Frost constantly challenged him when Pacey admitted how much of a loser he really was.

He actually enjoyed shooting the shit with the other guys on the job. He enjoyed the physicality of the work. He could always do that. He could always do this, at least. Until his body gave out or he broke his arm or something. He could hit things and pound on things and be in the hot sun. He barely thought, he just did.

Joey's friend the Dean got her a job at Capeside Community College working admin, instead of another summer waitressing. She complained about her aching butt instead of her feet.

They played house in his rented place. Joey spent most of her nights there, coming home and complaining about her day. Pacey did all the cooking. "I bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan and never forget, I'm the man," he'd say, grabbing his dick. Joey never laughed but he was convinced she was hiding it.

They'd eat and then watch TV and then go to bed. Joey appeared to really appreciate all the physical labor Pacey was doing and its effect on his body. "You're saying I was kinda fat before," Pacey said.

"Not in the slightest. I'm saying these biceps," she squeezed his arm, "are really nice. Hot."

One time they had sex against the wall in the living room, him holding her up with a strong grip on her ass. She came after he did and lowered her legs to stand on her own. She said, "My big strong boyfriend," with a laugh.

They double dated with Jack and Jen, because who else did they even know? Joey always glared at him when he said that. He was just weirded out by Joey and Jen actually being friends like all the poisonous jealousy and competition over Dawson was just gone and they suddenly genuinely liked each other.

At the end of August Pacey and Bodie packed up Pacey's truck with Joey's things and Pacey's things. Pacey waited in the truck while Joey and Bessie cried all over each other and said they were sorry to each other over every single thing. Then Joey cuddled Alexander and cried over him, too.

"It's funny," Pacey said, when they finally got on the road and Joey was wiping at her eyes. "You're the one who'd rather die than end up in Capeside and your family gets all weepy and you, too, about you leaving. Doug just gave me the name of the guy to call for a job, and my dad said to call him if I needed money."

"Potters are more emotional than Witters, except for you. You're pretty emotional," Joey said.

Pacey took her hand and kissed it. He said, "I emotionally love you, that's for sure."

They drove in easy silence for an hour. Finally Pacey said, "It's okay if you want to break up with me."

"God, Pacey, no, it's not," Joey said.

"You're going to college with a bunch of extremely smart people, many of whom don't require medication not to fail out of high school, you're starting a new chapter of life, you're finally out of Capeside, I'm saying, this would be an okay time to cut me loose," Pacey said.

"I have no intention of doing that," Joey said. "You're my future, remember?"

"So many people end up with their high school boyfriend," Pacey said. "But we'll do it."

"Sound more confident," Joey said.

He looked over at her beautiful face, knew she meant it, and said, "We'll do it."

He moved her into her dorm, met her wacky roommate, and drove to Grams's house. "I know why you wanted to help Joey move in," Jen said. "Because we moved in yesterday and you don't have to do anything."

"And people think I'm not smart," Pacey said, smiling.

He was sitting on Joey's dorm bed, watching her getting dressed when his phone rang. Joey said, "How do you even afford that thing?"

"Family plan," Pacey said and answered the call. "Gretchen, how's UCONN? You feelin' husky?"

"So," Gretchen said. "Guess who's sleeping on my floor?"

"Please don't say Britney Spears because I'll be insanely jealous," Pacey said.

"Ha ha. No, it's Dawson. Are you with Joey?"

"We're still dating, yes," Pacey said. He waved Joey over and put the phone on speaker. "So this is an emergency Dawson call?"

"He showed up," Gretchen said. "He hates LA and he dropped out of USC. He wants to do film but he's not sure USC is the place for him. He made sure his parents got all their money back, but he's basically hiding out here."

"In your dorm room?" Joey frowned. "He dropped out?"

"Yup," Gretchen said.

"Are you calling us to come and pick him up? Am I my ex-best friend's keeper? Cause I know Joey isn't," Pacey said.

"No, I'm calling because you're his friends, God, Pacey," Gretchen said.

"He's going to regret this so much," Joey said. "It was his dream forever."

"Except for the times it wasn't," Pacey said. "He's allowed to change his dream."

"I'm not saying he can't," Joey said. "I'm saying he's throwing away the opportunity he wanted so bad."

"Better now than next year or the year after," Pacey said. "He spent all summer in LA, did he sound like he liked it?"

"Not so much," Joey said.

"Really not so much," Gretchen said.

"Look, generally, Dawson has a pretty solid head on his shoulders. If he feels in this gut, I think we should respect that," Pacey said.

Neither woman responded to him. Joey nodded and then said, "Pacey's right. Just let him know we all care about him and he can call me anytime."

"Or Jack or Jen or Andie," Pacey said.

"But not you," Gretchen said.

"I don't think I'm Dawson's go to guy on anything," Pacey said. "Bye, Gretchen."

Joey said, "I bet they're getting back together."

"And you're definitely not jealous," Pacey said.

"No," Joey said. She sat down on Audrey's bed. Pacey had gotten to know Audrey in the past week, he liked/feared her. He thought she was good for Joey, probably. She was a type of person he thought Joey would meet in college, the kind that would tell her to break up with the physical laborer boyfriend.

"Yes," Joey said. "But not in a I want to be his girlfriend way. In a I miss when I was his go to person, you know? There's a part of me that will always love Dawson, not romantically, but as that person. I feel like that's Gretchen now to him."

"I'm certainly jealous of your connection to him," Pacey said.

"I can't believe he dropped out," Joey said.

"Do we want to continue this at dinner before Audrey comes back?"

"Absolutely," Joey said, getting up and grabbing his hand.

Pacey met Danny and started his chef job at Civilization. He started to fall in love with the work. Jack briefly contemplated joining a frat before Pacey and Jen convinced him he could find friends another way. Jack and Tobey broke up within a week, deciding by mutual agreement that a long distance relationship was untenable for them. Apparently Jack had been really primed to be free since he was bringing guys home every night for the next two weeks. Jen flitted. She had many interests. She had taken up knitting with a vengeance.

Gretchen and Dawson were definitely back together. Dawson's parents apparently, according to Joey, told Dawson he couldn't just live in Gretchen's dorm room. So Dawson got a job. An incredibly boring job that involved a lot of filing and being on the computer because he was even emailing Pacey. Dawson did introduce Jen to some websites about knitting and feminism that he'd found. He was in a holding pattern in his life, though not his romantic life so he wasn't utterly useless. Pacey bet Dawson didn't agree with Pacey's assessment of where Dawson's life was going. Dawson hadn't been blessed with the low self-esteem gene.

Gretchen still called him her slacker boyfriend. In the pictures Gretchen sent, they looked adorable. Grams said they looked like a couple that might last.

Pacey and Joey were a couple that could last, too, he thought. With no one to nag him, he never found a new therapist. He took his pills until he ran out and then stopped. The week he stopped felt like he had a mild flu and a serious case of the grumpies, but Pacey lived through it. He felt fine when the week was over. He loved his job, he enjoyed Boston, he loved Joey, he lived with great people, he wasn't the least bit depressed.

They broke up in the first week of October. Pacey followed Joey and Audrey and Jen to a party at Boston Bay and Pacey lost sight of Joey until he found her.

He left angry, stomped around outside, gritted his teeth. He started to go back inside to find her but Joey came out, her face flushed, pulling up her jeans. "We're done," Pacey said.

"Are you kidding? That was, that was nothing, Pacey," Joey said.

Pacey could tell they were attracting a crowd but he did not give a fuck. "You were kissing someone else."

"I was kissing Audrey, it was nothing," Joey said, rolling her eyes.

"She had her hands down your pants, you were getting fucked by her," Pacey said, screaming.

"It was just a thing, with Audrey," Joey said.

"Do you think we're only exclusive if it's a guy? You wouldn't be dumping me if you caught me on my knees in front of Jack?"

"Don't be ridiculous," Joey said, a catch in her voice.

"You're being ridiculous," Pacey said. "You cheated on me and you won't even fake being sorry. It's not a joke to me. You kissed someone else and let them finger you like I didn't matter," Pacey said. "We're done.

"I'm sorry, Pacey, I never meant it like that," Joey said, starting to cry.

"You're not actually sorry, you never meant it like that is not an apology," Pacey said.

"I get it, to you I cheated, I'm sorry," Joey said.

"You cheated, it's not in my mind," Pacey said. "We're done."

He got a cab home, nearly slamming the door until he remembered about Grams. He went to his room and laid on the bed. He couldn't sleep. He would never sleep. He wondered if he could get the last refill on prescription filled, take them all at once and get a nice long sleep out of it. Frost would call that a bad thought. He didn't care. He didn't care about anything.

He had somehow fallen asleep, when Jen came in and sat on the bed. She said, "I'm on your side."

"Great, thanks for your support," Pacey said.

"I mean it," Jen said. "I feel like there will be people who might laugh, like who cares, it was hot, she was kissing a girl. But you're absolutely right, she was cheating on you."

"Would you say that to her?"

"I already did," Jen said. "She isn't very happy with me."

"Well, great, she can run home to her dorm with Audrey and see how much further she can go," Pacey said. "If I think about it, it's not hot, no matter how much of a male fantasy it's supposed to be."

"Who knows?" Jen shrugged. "I don't know if Joey's ever even thought about it. About being attracted to girls."

"She clearly is in one case," Pacey said.

"I think I am in many cases, but I would never think it wasn't the equivalent of cheating," Jen said.

"Are you coming out?" He almost smiled.

"Basically," Jen said.

"Thank you for telling me," Pacey said. "I appreciate your trust. I probably don't deserve it after all those awful jokes about Doug. Now let me drown in my misery, Lindley."

He slept all of the next day. Then he went into work and didn't talk to anyone. He was unbelievably grateful not to be a waiter because he didn't think he could manage being civil for a week, at least.

He had to talk to Danny because the guy was his boss. Pacey said, "Caught her cheating on me, it's over, are we done now?"

"Fine, man," Danny said. "Don't take your pain out on the food, I want precise cuts, not your angst in food form."

Joey came by the house to see him but he ignored her until she left. She showed up at the restaurant but she couldn't get into the kitchen and he never had to leave the kitchen.

"You could theoretically talk to her," Jack said.

"I don't think so, theoretically or actually," Pacey said.

"You guys are this epic love story but you can't even talk to her about what happened?"

"I guess we weren't that epic of a love story," Pacey said. He didn't have the energy to explain he was utterly done with this, with losing everything and his broken heart. Fuck everything, he thought, on a daily basis.

Dawson's father died. Pacey waited outside Joey's dorm to drive her down. "Did you already tell Dawson we broke up?" She got into his car. It was the second conversation they'd had since they broke up, the first being "Dawson's father died, can you drive me down?"

"I haven't told Gretchen, so I guess no. Why does it matter?"

"It doesn't," Joey said, looking at him sadly. "I just wanted to know before I talked to him."

Pacey bit back a hundred mean words he meant to say to her. He was better off saying nothing and doing nothing. He was probably better off dead. He actually smiled a little then, since he loved that movie.

They drove all the way back to Capeside in silence. Then they sat around and tried to make things better for Dawson. It was good, Pacey thought, that Dawson had Joey, she had been through this. She would get to be back as his go to person.

Pacey hugged Dawson and drove home alone. He was so glad to get back to Civilization and not think about any of it. Sometimes the job was literally a grind and he had to drag himself from bed. He'd count to ten and then push himself, push himself to shower and get to work. Once he was there, he could do his job, he could do it well, too.

He was cleaning fish when he thought about Mitch being dead. He remembered the man teaching him to drive and telling Dawson to tell Joey that Pacey's academic record was the shits. His face felt flush and he was near tears. Then he cut himself, right to the bone.

"Stop stop stop," Danny said. "Damn, kid." Someone was wrapping Pacey's hand and then he was in Karen's car which smelled like cigarette smoke and then he was at the hospital.

"I guess it must hurt like hell, you're actually crying," Karen said.

"It's not that bad," Pacey said, sniffling. He hadn't realized he was still crying.

He was getting stitches when Grams came into the room. "Oh, dear, Pacey, you should have called."

"I'll be fine," he said. He had finally stopped crying.

"You barely missed the tendon," the doctor said. "You will be fine, but you need to be careful. And take all of these antibiotics. Check in with your doctor in a week to get the stitches out. Go sooner if the wound starts to get puffy or anything to indicate it's infected."

"I'll check for you," Grams said. "I was a nurse for many years."

"So you're in good hands," the doctor said.

Grams drove him home. He said, "I wasn't careless, I just, you know, I was thinking about Mitch."

"Grief sneaks up on us," Grams said. "It's only natural."

When he was able to go back to work, Audrey came by Civilization, somehow getting back to the kitchen. "My boobs are powerful," Audrey said, smiling. She was wearing a bright pink shirt and it hurt his eyes.

Pacey tried not to wince and she said, "Sorry, bad time to bring that up."

He stared at her, waiting for the reason for this visit. She said, "I wanted to apologize. I didn't know you and Joey were exclusive that way and if I had, I wouldn't have. I mean, of course, she talked about you constantly and I saw the two of your together but it honestly was unclear."

"Good to know," Pacey said. "So what, you two dating now?"

"Hell, no," Audrey said. There was clanging and people shouting and Pacey found it hard to concentrate on what Audrey was saying. But he heard, for sure, "She's in Capeside every weekend, anyway -"

"Okay," Pacey said. "Apology accepted. Bye, have to work."

Audrey looked concerned but thankfully she left and he could get back to work.

He thought about walking home from work, he thought about a lot of things. He ended up in some shithole coffee house where someone played Bruce Springsteen covers like every single song was about giving up on life and dying. It was an interesting style choice.

So Joey had gotten back together with Dawson. Dawson was in Capeside helping his mom and Joey was finally with her soulmate. It made Pacey unspeakably angry to think of them having sex.

The waitress sat down next to him and said, "We're closing soon. You've been listening to Billy for too long for me not to check that you have a way home that doesn't include hurling yourself into the Charles."

"Or you're just hitting on me," Pacey said, smiling.

"It could be that."

Her name was Crystal and she'd dropped out of Boston Bay, and there was something about truly casual sex and her embarrassingly high giggle he really liked. He also liked her big breasts and adorably pale belly. Pacey snuck downstairs, made popcorn, and the two of them watched dvds until 4am, when she quietly left.

Then there was Laura and Jamie, both waitresses at Civilization. Only once with Karen before she quit Civilization. He kept expecting Danny to tell him to stop, but instead Danny said, "That's how a restaurant works. By the end of the year, you'll have slept with me."

"You're really not my type," Pacey said. "But if you're that interested -"

"You're pretty cute," Danny said. "But the wife objects."

Good times, Pacey thought. These were good times. Joey could spend her time sleeping with Dawson which had to be bad sex, Dawson wouldn't even call it fucking, for fuck's sake, and Pacey would get laid six ways to Sunday.

Jack cornered him on Thursday mid-morning. Even Grams was out. Jack said, "Did you actually have a threesome last night?"

"Were we too loud?" Pacey smirked as he poured his coffee.

"No, I saw you saying goodbye to two people instead of one this time. Actually, was one of them, a very androgynous woman or -"

"His name was Chris, which could definitely lead to confusion," Pacey said. "Shari invited him, I was just open to it."

"So no contact was had between you two?"

"I didn't say that," Pacey said. "There was a little. It wasn't bad." Pacey drank his coffee, ignoring the burn as it went down. "We're all experimenting these days, right?"

"You're not coming around to my side, are you?" Jack had opened his textbook but he hadn't looked at it once.

"A guy sucked my dick, it was pretty good, that's as far as it went. I'm not looking to repeat the experience, but I wouldn't scream no if it were offered again," Pacey said. "Whichever side that puts me on."

"Drunk frat boy," Jack said.

"I wasn't drunk," Pacey said.

"But that's the side. For some reason, a lot of frat guys, when they get drunk, they love to get their dick sucked by another guy," Jack said.

"You deserve better than that," Pacey said.

"Oh, don't worry, I did it twice and I've moved on to actual gay men now," Jack said, smiling. "You're getting laid a lot recently."

"Hey, you, too," Pacey said. "Good for both of us for overcoming puritanical morals around casual sex."

Jack looked down at his textbook and actually read a page.

"Were you gonna say something else, Jackers?"

"Ha," Jack said. "Well, I like you, so I won't repeat the things Jen says to me about you, how's that?"

"Do you agree with her?"

"Eh," Jack said. "We're 18, 19. We're supposed to act out. You get to work every day, you're the only one here who pays rent or buys their own food, no one you've brought home has stolen anything from the rest of us and I think Grams only slightly suspects, so no, I don't really care."

Pacey said, "None of your one night stands feel like they could be something more? I know it sounds crazy coming from me, but until they cheat on you, relationships are pretty good."

"I have that slated in for sophomore year," Jack said, with a smile.

"For we are men," Pacey said. "We are fucking studs."

"Who recognize the inherent double standard where if any of our female friends were doing this, they would be considered mentally ill or troubled," Jack said.

"Exactly," Pacey said. "Exactly."

Pacey had chosen to sleep in on his day off. Chosen in the sense that he woke up every few hours, looked at the clock and rolled over to go back to sleep. He hadn't been getting much sleep lately, with the women and the one guy sucking his dick. He probably needed to sleep 20 hours, he thought.

He stared at the ceiling. Someone had knocked on the door. He meant to answer but he fell back to sleep. He should see Andie, he'd only seen in her face to face once since they came back to Boston. It was already the middle of November. They emailed, though, he went to internet cafes and ignored the people covertly masturbating to pretty boring porn. Andie was doing great. She was thriving under pressure, she had the right medication, it was all great. She'd written that it made her nervous to be doing so well. She knew she would buckle. He should go to see her and reassure her. He could have done that today but he'd been asleep.

Pacey hauled himself out of bed, showered and put on something decent that didn't smell. He should have done laundry. He should have done a lot, he thought.

He called her. "Can I come by or we can meet for coffee?"

"It's 8 o'clock, Pacey," she said.

"Like you don't need to stay up late to study?"

"I'll get decaf," Andie said.

He took the T and met her at a place near her campus. She hugged him as usual. He never got over the way Andie fit in his arms. Pacey ordered a cappuccino, Andie ordered tea. She said, "You look sort of awful."

"I slept in very late today," Pacey said. "You know how they talk about sleep deficits? I'm making up for mine."

"Really?" Andie sipped her tea.

"People like the way I look," Pacey said.

"Oh, I've heard," Andie said. "Jack's told me. And told me."

"I have a very active social life, I'm not embarrassed," Pacey said. "Hell, Joey ran back to Dawson and his bed fast enough, I think I get to have some sex, too."

"And his bed?" Andie nearly laughed at him. "Why do you think that?"

"I think that Audrey said -"

"There is no way she said that because it's not true," Andie said. "Joey is seeing no one and having sex with no one, and Dawson is having sex with your sister and also seeing her. It's some long-distance thing. You have been laboring under some serious misconceptions, mister."

Pacey sipped his drink. "It was very loud when she said it. What I mostly got was that Joey was going to Capeside on the weekends."

"You assumed," Andie said. "You assumed the worst, because of course, right after being dumped by you and your complete refusal to even talk to her, she would immediately run back to Dawson. Because you still have no faith in yourself. Didn't you have, like, therapy for this?"

"I had therapy for my so-called depression," Pacey said. "So I was wrong, I was totally wrong about what Joey was doing. It's not like we talk all the time."

"You talk to no one except for when you pass Jack and Jen like ships in the night and you talk to the women you sleep with and at work, but mostly, you don't talk to anyone," Andie said.

"I'm talking to you," Pacey said. "I'm doing that right now."

"Second time since we moved here," Andie said. "Pacey." She rubbed his arm.

"I'm fine, Andie," Pacey said. "How are you?"

"I'm actually fine," Andie said. "I have a great new shrink, I'm making friends, I see Jen and Jack and Joey all the time, I really like Audrey."

Pacey finished his drink. "That sounds awesome."

The restaurant was fantastic. Danny was an asshole but the guy loved Pacey, he taught him a hundred things a day. He also pointed out that if Pacey wanted to keep doing this job, he needed some kind of education. "Sign up for one course, kid. One course."

"Didn't you say cooking couldn't be taught?"

"But it can be learned and I was bullshitting a little."

"Whatever you want," Pacey said. So he went to the Culinary school and signed up for chef basics, because he figured out it would be the easiest to do well and require the least studying.

"I'm back building up a sleep deficit," Pacey said to Jen. They were both drinking coffee like it was going out of style.

"And not from having sex with every third woman you meet, salute to you!" Jen clinked her cup against Pacey's.

"It was more like every fourth," Pacey said. "I had sex two nights ago, thank you very much."

"Oh, I saw her," Jen said. "Is Joey your anti-type? I've seen you with every color of the rainbow except white brunettes."

"You keeping track, Lindley? I can always pencil you in," Pacey said.

"No, I'll dye my hair brown first," Jen said. "I've been making out with someone."

"That's good," Pacey said. "Are they being nice to you?"

"Very nice," Jen said. "It's a girl."

"That is, that's good, too," Pacey said. "Have you told Grams?"

"Yes, sort of," Jen said. "It's a new experience, you know. It's weird. Like am I just giving up on men because they're all scum?"

Pacey coughed. Jen said, "Present company not excepted."

"I'm a great boyfriend and a very kind and courteous lover," Pacey said.

"Okay," Jen said. "Are you ever going to talk to Joey? It's been almost two months."

"That doesn't make me scum, that makes a man with a broken heart. I had a great conversation with Andie recently," Pacey said. "Anyway, are you attracted to this girl? Do you enjoy the making out?"

"Absolutely," Jen said. "So then it's not political, it's my genuine desire, I see where you're going."

"It's not some traumatic after effect, it's what you want. I was in a threesome with another guy and at one point he was sucking my dick, and it was a great blowjob, but you know what? I look at even hot guys and I feel nothing. So I know I'm straight," Pacey said.

"That's a fantastic pep talk," Jen said. "You are scum. You just told me that story so you could say you had a threesome."

"We manly men only brag about threesomes with two girls and our big dick, not two guys and a girl. But it's a great story, right?" He grinned at her.

"I'm so turned on," Jen said, deadpan.

"Seriously, Jen, if you like this girl and she treats you right, I say, keep going. Relationships are great, right up until they cheat on you and break your heart," Pacey said.

"Pacey," Jen said. She had to get on her knees on the chair to reach up and hug Pacey.

"Are you going back to Capeside for Thanksgiving?"

Jen shook her head. "Joey is, if that's what you're asking. I guess you're staying here."

"I have to work the day after," Pacey said.

Pacey's one class wasn't as easy as he thought it would be, but it was better than any course he'd taken in high school. He genuinely enjoyed the subject matter, he saw improvement in his skills at his work and even Danny gave him a compliment. He also pinched Pacey's butt.

There were twenty other people in the class and Pacey figured it was his experience at the restaurant that made him stand out as particularly good. Until one day as he was walking out, he was hitting on a gorgeous Asian girl he thought was named Sue, and she said, "I have to get to work."

"Where do you work? Unless, wait, are you trying to blow me off? That's totally fine, I'll back off, sorry," Pacey said.

"I'm not blowing you off," Sue said. "I'm glad you got around to me."

"I haven't hit on anyone in class," Pacey said.

"I work at the Grill, across from Civilization," she said. "You've slept with three of our waitresses. I assumed you were waiting to get back to the kitchen."

Pacey rubbed his forehead, and laughed a little. "Okay, I'm sorry, I kinda come off like a real jerk here. What do you do at the Grill?"

"Prep cook, like you at Civilization," Sue said.

"Wow," Pacey said. "Is it cool? You guys have great ribs, the lamb ribs?"

"I do those," Sue said, smiling. "It's a cool job."

Two mornings later, Pacey was saying to Jack, "She doesn't actually do the lamb ribs well."

"Please don't make a joke or attempt a pun," Jack said.

"I like her, we might go out again," Pacey said.

"No, you won't," Jack said. "The only girls who sleep with you are the one who want just one night."

"Are you insulting me or them?"

"Neither," Jack said. "Your clear vibe is no commitment offered, and the girls who take a ride on that vibe, want that."

"Vibe? Is that your vibe, too?"

"This year," Jack said. "We made a vow, man. Next year we commit to someone."

Pacey drank his entire mug of coffee. Then he said, "But she's been working in restaurants, like, much longer than me. A year longer. I'm doing way better than her in class."

"You're freaked out by this," Jack said. "You thought the only reason you'd do well is because you're already working."

"Basically," Pacey said. "Yeah."

"Maybe you're just really good at this," Jack said.

Pacey shrugged. Jack said, "You're still great at taking compliments."

"Thanks, Jack," Pacey said. "I appreciate all of your compliments."

A week later, Jen knocked on his door and came in without waiting for him to answer. "Hi, Jen," he said. "Don't worry, I was just masturbating."

"You're studying for your class," Jen said. "I wanted to talk to you."

"This sounds serious," Pacey said, suddenly cold.

"Serious-ish," Jen said. "I'm officially dating that girl I was telling you about. It's Audrey."

"Oh," Pacey said. "She seems nice."

"Any other reactions?"

"Do you really care?"

Jen said, "I care because I care about you, Pace."

Pacey said, "Jen, I just want you to be happy." He even got up and hugged her.

"Okay, good. So if she's here some morning, you won't bite her head off," Jen said.

"Of course not," Pacey said. "I don't want to know how her roommate's doing."

"Who is also my dear friend and Andie's dear friend and Jack's friend," Jen said.

"And all of you get through the day without mentioning her to me, it's great," Pacey said.

"Joey's fine," Jen said. "She's doing great in her classes. She isn't dating anyone. She isn't even flirting with anyone. She just works on her school work. Though, wait, she might be carrying on a secret torrid affair with her hot English professor."

"Don't care," Pacey said.

Jen said, "You could actually talk to her. You do care. I don't know why you've decided that this was a bridge too far and now you won't even talk to her, but it's frankly cruel. Cruel to her and to you."

"Shut up, Jen," Pacey said.

"Fuck you," Jen said.

Another week and another week came and went. At some point Pacey could hear Jen and Audrey talking near his door. It wasn't intentional, he knew, it just meant that Jen's door was open and they were talking in normal voices. He didn't want to hear but the whole act of turning on music or putting a pillow over his head and smothering himself seemed like more than he wanted to do before he really woke up. That was an hour away.

Audrey was saying something about Joey. Joey had slept with someone. Joey had been seeing someone. Had been, now past tense.

"I don't care if he's a hot young teacher, sex with your teacher is bad," Jen said. "It's a bad thing."

"Oh, come on, bunny," Audrey said. "Pretty sure Joey is unscathed. I mean, unscathed by this. She's still a miserable mopey sad doll because Pacey won't talk to her."

"Then the sex was bad," Jen said. "With the teacher, sex with Pacey was apparently fantastic."

Pacey smiled. He grabbed his pillow and put it over his head to stop listening.


	3. Chapter 3

Pacey had a couple of really good days in a row. His class finished and he got an A. His teacher practically forced him to sign up for the next class the guy was teaching. It started the next week, 2 weeks before Christmas so Pacey had a nice work and school excuse to stay in Boston.

Danny told him someone tried to poach him. "This guy claims to be my friend, but he tries to get me to let you go so he can hire you. Can you believe that?"

"Would there be a raise involved?" Pacey smiled easily. "I could be poached for more money. Or scrambled, sunny side up. I'm always sunny side up, actually."

"You aren't at all, Witter," Danny said. "Small raise, but instead of being my guy, you're one of three guys he's juggling."

"I should stay because you only love me," Pacey said.

"Possibly my wife as well, but yes, professionally, I only love you," Danny said.

Dawson called out of the blue and they had a great talk about absolutely nothing. They were just shooting the shit about Capeside and movies Pacey hadn't seen and Dawson didn't recommend he see. It was nice to remember that Dawson had almost always had his back and equally good to hear Dawson wasn't completely falling apart. He even pushed down his own guilt at not contacting Dawson himself in weeks.

He made dinner for Jack and Andie and Grams and they all seemed to like it.

So he took the T and found himself at Worthington. He was staring at Joey's building when she walked right out of it. She stopped and then she walked towards him. He thought about running but that would look ridiculous.

Joey stopped a foot in front of him. "Hey," she said, smiling and then not smiling.

"Hey," he said. "I was thinking maybe it was a bad idea to just stop talking to you." It was really funny how much it hurt just standing there.

"I hate that you did that," Joey said. "I wanted to say I'm sorry. I know -"

"It was just me being stupid," Pacey said. "When I wasn't talking to you. I kept waiting for you to break up with me, I was convinced you should break up with me and it felt like, okay, you didn't even care enough about me to try to hide anything so I should let you, I should just let you break it off."

"I was in no way trying to break it off," Joey said, her eyes already watering. "I wasn't at all. If you had let me talk to you we could have talked about where we both were which I think was mostly scared, frankly. I know you were. I know I was. We made all these big changes in our lives, and you were still recovering and anyway. That's what I would have said."

"What would you say now?"

Joey shrugged and looked away from him. "I do miss you."

"So we both hurt each other, so maybe we're even?" It was horribly stupid thing to say.

Joey smiled, though. "Okay. At least we can talk now, right?"

"Sure," Pacey said. "Sure. Maybe not right this moment, though, I have a class to get to."

"You have a class?"

He did have a class and it was in three hours. He said, "Basically chef basics 102, I already finished 101 and the teacher likes me, so. Not as much as your teacher likes you, though."

She smirked at him. "Who did you hear that from?"

"I heard it because Jen and Audrey were talking in their room with their door open and my room is 10 feet away," Pacey said.

"It's over now," Joey said. "He's not even teaching next semester. I guess my vagina scared him off."

"That's not possible," Pacey said. He jammed his hands deeper in his pockets. "But I do have to go."

"I'll see you soon?" Joey reached out and then drew her hand back. "I can come by tomorrow for dinner. Lots of people there to make sure we barely have to talk."

Pacey smiled. "We can do that."

Naturally, since Joey had planned to come by, the only other people at home were Grams and Jack. They both left before dessert. "I have had enough of your cakes this week," Grams said.

Jack said, "And I have too much beer this week to add more cake on top."

"You do look super chubby," Joey said to Jack.

Jack actually ruffled her hair as he left. Joey said, "This is really good cake. Was that in one of your classes?"

"The current class, actually," Pacey said. "First class we just covered basic preparation, main courses. Nothing in depth. Now we're doing basic hors d'oeuvres and dessert."

"Don't you already know all that? You work in a restaurant, right? I've only been a waitress and I know that stuff," Joey said.

"It's like learning algebra and geometry before you can get to calculus. Not that I ever got to calculus, but I figure you'd appreciate that metaphor," Pacey said.

"Do you have to choose a specialty?"

"Maybe, at some point," Pacey said. "Not yet. I've been doing a lot of meat and fish prep but that's more because I'm really experienced at cooking fish."

"You really are," Joey said, smiling again. "You sound like you like it."

"I do," Pacey said. He was suddenly exhausted. He said, "How about you? Picked a major?"

"I was thinking about English, or creative writing. But then I stopped having sex with my professor. I do still like writing," Joey said. "I love my art history class, too."

"Are you taking any art classes? You used to do that, right?"

"I did," Joey said, grimacing. "But I was never good enough and I had too much to do."

"Nothing's worth doing if you're not the best?" Pacey rubbed his face. He got up and poured some coffee.

"I used to think so," Joey said. "Now I'm just scared to fail in public. All the previous times I've done it have really sucked."

"When did you ever fail in public?"

She shook her head. "I should head out. Thanks for dinner and cake. Can we do this again?"

"Yeah, uh, Monday night?"

She nodded. She hugged him super quick, and was out the door before he raised his arm to hug her back.

Danny gave him Christmas Eve day off, so Pacey had two straight days of no work and no class. He'd already bought all his gifts, dropped off a bag with Joey to take to his family and herself and Dawson. Everything else was under the tree Grams had put up. He thought about cooking or watching cheesy movies with Grams, Jack and Andie and Jen and apparently Audrey who had nowhere to go.

Instead he slept. He woke up and forced himself to get up to pee. He was walking back to his room when Andie caught him.

She said, "You were asleep this whole time, right?"

"I'm a growing boy, I like to sleep, McPhee." He sat down on the edge of his bed.

"I don't think you do," Andie said. "Pacey, I really think you need to go back into treatment. For depression."

"Andie, come on, I'm fine," he said. "I'm not failing anything, they love me at work, I'm even speaking with Joey. Fine on all counts."

"No, you're not," Andie said.

"If I'm not perfectly fine, I'm fine enough to not need treatment, for god's sake," Pacey said. He was afraid and it sounded like anger coming out of him. He laid back on the bed. "I was barely depressed in the first place."

"No, you were pretty depressed in the first place and you are now, too. Please, Pacey," she said.

He looked at her and she took his hand and squeezed. She was nearly crying. "Why are you so upset?"

"Because you're in pain," Andie said.

"Why did you cheat on me?" He sounded pathetic now, not angry.

"It had nothing to do with you," she said, smiling. "It doesn't matter now. What matters is, I am honestly asking you from the bottom of my heart which you will always have a place in, to please do this."

"Well, when you put it that way," Pacey said. "After the New Year."

"Nope," Andie said. Now she was briskly efficient Andie. "I got your insurance information in a real breach of privacy by sneaking into your room and I called around to a bunch of doctors to find you an appointment and you have one Monday at 3pm." She handed him two pages of paper. He skimmed it. The name of the doctor, how to get there by bus. She was incredibly organized as always.

"What if I don't go? Are you going to ride the bus with me?"

"If you don't go, I'll pay your no show penalty. You can not go if you want. But I really want you to," Andie said.

"Fine," Pacey said. "Can I go back to sleep now?"

"We'll wake you up for midnight services, it'll be fun," Andie said, leaving the room.

Andie wasn't even kidding, Jack came into his room and vigorously shook him awake. He dressed nicely and made Grams happy. They went home and opened gifts. Pacey was awake enough to help Grams with baking cookies which had Andie and Jen cheering.

It was an okay Christmas. He was glad to go back to work. He liked work, he knew what he was doing, once he got in the door he did his thing and everything fell into place.

He went to his appointment on Monday. Naturally, Andie's report included that parking was impossible therefore he should take the bus so he wasn't late for his appointment and could get to his class on time. He sat in the waiting room filling out his information form. He was there because his ex-girlfriend told him he was sick. He'd been diagnosed with depression before. He took the following medications, or he had. He wondered if anyone was going to analyze his cramped handwriting because that might be helpful. His handwriting probably revealed he barely graduated high school and slept around too much. Not that he'd had nearly as much sex in December as he had in November. Maybe he'd pick up the slack in January.

The therapist was Dr. Williams, a Black woman in her 40s or 50s. She had an accent Pacey pegged as Boston but suppressed. She asked questions minus the wry cynicism he'd sensed in Frost and he answered them.

Dr. Williams said, "You don't think you're depressed or ever were depressed?"

"I don't know," Pacey said. "Maybe I can't tell. But it seemed like a pretty extreme diagnosis."

Dr. Williams just looked at him. He said, "But you can tell, right?"

She sighed. She said, "Yes, thanks to my PhD I can see the bright red floating D above your head."

Pacey smiled. "It could just be one of my grades from high school following me around."

She gave him two prescriptions and told him to schedule at least 5 more sessions. She talked to him about his sleep patterns, the things he actually enjoyed doing and the things he forced himself to do. He said, "Next session we get to my parents and ex-girlfriends?"

"If you really want to," she said. "Time's up."

Joey came by for dinner three days later. "Andie says I'm supposed to check if you did what she told you to do." She leaned against the counter, looking oddly radiant. Maybe she'd gotten back together with Dawson.

"Did she tell you what she told me to do?"

"I assumed it was something about how your obvious mental health, or lack thereof," Joey said, like she was making a joke. It was a nice way to say it, he guessed.

"I did do what she told me to do, I've done it twice," Pacey said. He cracked three eggs perfectly and started folding them into the batter. "I might be seeing a quack, though, she said she could see a floating D above my head."

"Pacey, everyone can see that," Jack said, as he came in. "Also, he's now taking two types of pills."

"Privacy is a foreign concept to all of you, isn't it?"

Joey said, "Yes. Were you not there for the last four years of our lives?"

"Marvelous," Pacey said. "Feel free to call my doctor for any updates you need."

Jack said, "But seriously, actually. Are you feeling better? You seemed to have stop sleeping 15 hours a day."

"I also seem to have a class plus work and now the added therapy appointments so I can't sleep 15 hours a day," Pacey said. He was impressed with himself for holding down this conversation and doing all sorts of complicated cookery.

Joey said, "I also hear you haven't had casual sex in a week."

He looked over and she held his gaze. She looked pretty okay with him sleeping around. She must be back with Dawson, he thought. He said, "Between holidays is slim pickings for me, maybe."

"Not for me," Jack said.

"We are picking in different pools, Jackers," Pacey said.

"Speaking of, I have someone to call," Jack said, smiling.

"Does he really?" Joey picked at one of the napkins Grams had put on the counter.

"Do I think he's trying to give us, dare I say, privacy for you to lay whatever news you have on me? Sure, but he probably also has someone he's calling to hook up with. The man keeps Trojan in business," Pacey said.

"I don't have news for you," Joey said. "I liked my Christmas gift, thank you. Even before you decided to passively aggressively tell me to take an art class by giving me a sketch pad and lovely pens, I had already signed up for an art class next semester."

"No other news?"

"Why are you always convinced I'm going to start dating Dawson again?" She frowned and moved around to stand in front of the sink.

"I don't know, are you?"

"No," Joey said. "He and Gretchen actually had a very civil breakup which I'm sure you heard about it which is why you're convinced I went back to him. He's still staying with his mom and he finally finished all his applications for film schools that are not in LA. Also, he's been working with the high school film club and he got a job at the community college. We did not kiss or snuggle or hug too long or glance at each other with lingering affection."

"But you look happy," he said, plaintively.

"I can be happy when I'm not dating one of my high school boyfriends," she said. She rubbed his arm. "Maybe you should talk to that doctor about your weird obsessions."

"With you?" He pulled away and turned on the oven. "Already covered."

"It kind of freaks me out that you're talking to a licensed professional about me," Joey said. She walked back to the other side of the counter.

"It's not the first time," he said. "I think dinner is ready. And when we're done, this dessert will be ready."

"Okay," Joey said.

Gretchen actually got a ride to Boston and came to see him. She dropped her bag in his room and said, "Don't bring home any skanks while I'm here, okay?"

"I don't bring skanks home," Pacey said. He nudged her bag with his foot. "We both know you're sleeping on the couch so therefore it won't matter if I bring a very nice young lady home. Which I probably won't."

"You've only been in therapy for two weeks and you're already off your slutty ways?" Gretchen sat down next to him on his bed.

"I am not off my slutty ways, I've had sex this week, thank you very much. I am 100% slut, jeez. It's just that my life has gotten busier," Pacey said. "Also, my doctor was being a little judgey about the whole thing."

"She wasn't impressed you had had sex with 100 women?"

Pacey shook his head. "Way less than 100, Gretchen. She just made that face like having casual sex was a symptom of my so called depression. I think it's just good clean fun." He laid back on his bed. He really wished he never had to leave it.

"You're going to the therapy and taking the pills and you still call it the so called depression?" Gretchen patted his knee.

Pacey closed his eyes. "It seems like it's helpful, all the treatment. I feel marginally less miserable, so I keep doing it. But maybe everyone would benefit from being on antidepressants and talking about their problems even if they weren't depressed?"

"Everyone else thinks you're depressed," Gretchen said.

"Because you should totally trust a bunch of teenagers with no psychology training at all," Pacey said. "Let's talk about Dawson, your turn to be uncomfortable."

"I'm not uncomfortable, just sad," Gretchen said. "He's a great guy. But after his father passed away, and the long distance thing, it just wasn't working. We weren't what each other needed."

"You sound so mature," Pacey said.

"I thought about not talking to him for a few months to spite him and myself, but then I thought, you know, that sounds a little like something someone who was depressed would do," Gretchen said. "Are you falling asleep?"

"It's 7 am, I got off work at midnight last night, didn't get home until 1 am thanks to a fuck up on the T and then I couldn't fall asleep because Jen and Audrey were having some sort of argument or something, so yeah, I'm falling asleep, I only got 4 hours of sleep," Pacey said. "Can I nap, please?"

"I'll come back at ten, I'm going to say hi to one of my friends from high school who lives right around the corner," Gretchen said. "It's very convenient for me if you get too boring."

When she came back at noon, Pacey was on the steps outside, stretching. "Were you just jogging?"

"Yes," Pacey said. "I'm not supposed to sleep more than 8 hours and I'm supposed to exercise daily so since you weren't back I did indeed go jogging. Grams and I are thinking of signing up for Pilates, actually."

"Pilates? Do you have a cute leotard?"

"Ha ha," Pacey said. "How's your ex-boyfriend?"

"How did you know it was Parker?" She frowned and walked past him into the house. He did not miss that it looked like she'd taken off her shirt and put her shirt back on since he saw her last.

"Gretchen, he lives two blocks from us, I saw him at the grocery store, the coffee shop, waiting for the bus, he's always real happy to see me. I can't tell you what a big smile he got on his face when I told him you and Dawson broke up last week," Pacey said. "How was that getting over Dawson sex you just had?"

Gretchen turned to glare at him just as Jen stomped downstairs. She said, "Getting over Dawson sex?"

"Gretchen just got some with Parker, just like she did all of her senior year in high school," Pacey said.

Jen said, "You smell disgusting, Pacey. Go shower."

He laughed at Gretchen and went upstairs to do exactly that.

It was an average Saturday. He made lunch, Gretchen dragged him out shopping and Jen tagged along because she was upset and had just broken up with Audrey, then Pacey made dinner and watched movies while Gretchen and Jen commiserated about their broken hearts. They would both look at him and wait for him to chime in, but he wasn't interested in the slightest.

Jen said, "Don't you pay someone to listen you complain about your breakup? We're free, Pacey."

"I don't just talk to her about my breakups, I talk about my parents and my family and the Patriots and the Bruins. Lots of things come up," Pacey said. He looked at his watch. "I have to go to sleep now so I only get my 8 hours. I'm doing breakfast brunch and lunch tomorrow."

After 4 weeks of therapy, he was absolutely sure he was for real depressed. Dr. Williams explained that one of the effects of the drugs she had him on was to help him feel again, so ergo he felt sad and useless and like shit.

"I hate this," he said sullenly, out for coffee with Joey and Andie.

"Isn't that the worst? The first six weeks for me on any new pill are always the worst. It's like, what exciting new side effect will I have?" Andie smiled.

"But you don't have side effects, right?" Joey covered his hand and then pulled her back.

"Not really," Pacey said. "I can still get it up, I still want to get it up, but I just have all these feelings. And none of them are pleasant. It wasn't this bad last time. I was just kind of a zombie all the time."

"You really weren't a zombie," Joey said.

"That's how I remember it," Pacey said.

"That's how you remember summer?" Joey frowned.

He rolled his eyes. "Not really, but come on. I'm sorry, I'm shit company, I'm either irritated or sad, either way, I should probably just head out."

"No," Andie said. "Stay."

"Exactly," Joey said. "I promise to take nothing you say seriously."

"You should take me seriously, you should hold me responsible for being an asshole," Pacey said, irritated all over again. "There's no get out of jail free card here, I'm medicated not absolved."

"Fine, you're an asshole," Joey said.

"I stopped talking to you, I literally stopped talking to you completely," Pacey said. "I was super mean to you and vaguely neglectful of Andie."

"You weren't really vaguely neglectful," Andie said. "You were just an asshole to Joey, I got off okay."

"I did cheat on you and act like it was nothing," Joey said.

"So it should be tit for tat, that's how love works," Pacey said, leaning back in his chair. "I am going to walk home."

"It's miles," Andie said.

"I'm supposed to exercise," Pacey said and left. It was miles and it did take hours. It was also incredibly stupid since he was sore and his feet hurt like hell which was perfect since he had stand at work all day the next day.

When he got home, Jen was sitting outside, smoking a cigarette. "Jen, those things will kill you. Can I have one?"

"Absolutely," she said, handing him the pack. "Weren't you having coffee?"

"I yelled at my ex-girlfriends and then I walked home," Pacey said. He took a long drag on the cigarette. "Grams is going to kill you when she finds out you're out here."

"I want to yell at my ex-girlfriend, so I went outside instead. I used to smoke before I got to Capeside," Jen said.

"We should quit," Pacey said.

"After this one," Jen said.

They smoked in silence. Then they both lit up a second one. "Quit when the pack's done," Jen said.

"This is my last one tonight," Pacey said. "We can meet here tomorrow night same time, smoke another two or so."

Which they actually did. Jen passed him a beer. "I've had two already."

"Beer or smokes?"

"Beer," she said. "Wanna make out?"

"God yes," he said, smiling. "We are absolutely not going to do that."

"We'd be better at it this time," she said.

"No," Pacey said. "Yes, we'd be better at it, but honestly, I'm still in love with Joey and we're probably never getting back together because of me, but we definitely would never get back together if I slept with you right now."

"That's actually a good argument," Jen said. "I do like that Joey and I are friends now. It would be awful to ruin that."

"It would suck, she's nice to have in your life," Pacey said.

It took them three more days to finish the pack. Jen said, "I kinda like sitting out here with you every night. I missed you."

"I've been a total dick," Pacey said.

"You're wallowing in shame, that's very unattractive," Jen said.

"That's what my doctor says," Pacey said. "She doesn't call me unattractive, though, that would be creepy."

"Totally creepy," Jen said. "Ugh, I talked to Audrey today because I went by to see Joey and it was awful."

"At least you got it over with, try waiting two months," Pacey said.

"Yeah. And now I wonder, do I date more girls? Or another boy? Am I a lesbian? Or bi? Was it just the one girl?"

"Those sound like questions you don't have to settle right now," Pacey said.

"But I want to," Jen said, smiling at him.

"Tomorrow we don't meet out here and smoke, we go somewhere that's like a bar and bum smokes off someone. Or not smoke," Pacey said. "Since we just quit."

Jen invited Jack and Jack invited Joey because he secretly hated Pacey. Jen got wasted quickly and Jack saw a guy he'd once hooked up with and never wanted to see again so they left after an hour. Pacey and Joey had been managing to string together something like a conversation for that hour between her classes, his new class, his work, Pacey apologizing for diminishing their summer together before she started college and then random observations about the bar and Boston. But then they were just hanging out and talking while people drifted by them.

He said, "This was not the plan, by the way. This isn't some play for you."

"Would you do that?" She looked confused.

"What do you mean?"

"Make some play for me. Like, try to get back together with me," Joey said.

"Do I want to get back together with you? Of course, I do. I always want to, I love you, I'll never get over you, I don't think I'm capable of it," he said. He drank his beer quickly to shut himself up.

"Oh," Joey said. "I didn't realize that."

"Really?" He laughed. "God, Joey, of course."

Someone lurched by Joey pushing her into him, he put his hands out to brace her and ended up with her in his arms. She closed her eyes and kissed him. He held her closer and kissed her more, the familiar amazing soft feel of her lips against his. Then he stepped back and she did, too.

"Okay," Joey said. "Time for me to go home."

"I'll walk you home," Pacey said.

"No, just walk me to the T," Joey said. "We should probably talk about this."

"Right," Pacey said.

Except they didn't talk at all on the walk to the T, but Joey grabbed his hand and he held on. They kept smiling at each other. He kissed her gloved hand then she went into the T station.

He called a cab and it occurred to him he should have gotten one for Joey or one for both of them. He kept rubbing his lips, smiling. He was being stupid, this wouldn't work, not this time.

He'd been asleep about an hour when Jen came into his room, shaking. She said, "Pacey, Joey called. She got mugged. She's at the hospital."


	4. Chapter 4

Pacey rushed to the hospital. He went through extensive and irritating rigamarole to finally get back to see her. She said, "I'm fine."

"That bandage on your head and bruises on your arm say you're not exactly fine," Pacey said. "What happened? Do you want to talk about it?"

'Yes," she said. "Yes. I was just walking back to Worthington and there was this guy, he had a gun, and he forced me to withdraw $500 from my savings. And I kicked him to get away, but he hit me." She touched her head. "I blacked out for a minute, and when I got up, he was still there. He started walking me somewhere, and it was so stupid, we were actually talking about his life and his daughter. Then he took my coat and my phone and he let me go. And I turned around to leave, and I heard him calling my name, coming for me, but he got hit by a car. So I got my phone and coat back and I called 911. I don't know why, I stayed with him. He was afraid. We sang, we sang this song I'd been humming and he died right there on the street."

Pacey held her hand and delicately touched her hair. He said, "I'm sorry, Jo. I should have called us a cab."

"Oh, yeah," Joey said. "But you didn't. That's life, random things happen. Maybe you call me a cab, he mugs someone else or, I don't know. It happened. It's only one person's fault and he's already dead." She looked up at him and her eyes were watering. "I didn't tell the cops about the $500 from my savings so his daughter could have it."

Pacey had a lot of opinions about that but he was not in charge. He said, "That sounds like you."

"So I'm fine. They'll let me go home tomorrow. I have some bruises and the possible concussion, that's all," she said.

"Is it okay if I stay with you, just for the next 24 hours or days?"

"I would like that," she said. "The 24 hours. I'd like you to stay here." She grinned at him. "I totally got us out of talking about the kissing."

"You totally did," Pacey said. "Do you get to sleep?"

"I think so," she said. She squeezed his hand. "Could you just stay in here? I feel better when I can see you."

"Did you think I was ever gonna leave? I'm moving in. Next time the nurse comes in, I'm checking on rent," he said.

She smiled a little. Then she looked around nervously. He said, "Do you want to tell me again? Maybe if you tell me again, it'll be easier then just having it run over and over in your head."

"Now you want me to talk," Joey said. "Okay." She started talking about sitting with the man, the moment when he died, the way her head hurt. Her voice got softer and she fell asleep.

Pacey must have fallen asleep, too, because next thing he knew a nurse was gently nudging him. He said to the nurse, "How is she?"

"We'll release her tomorrow probably," the nurse said.

He was still holding her hand.

He was drifting off again when Audrey came in. She sat on the other side of Joey. "Hey, you," she said.

"Hey," he said. "Can you, um, she seemed sort of freaked out understandably so, so if you could come over here and take her hand, I need to call in sick to work."

"That seems like a really good plan," Audrey said.

Pacey called the restaurant, thinking he'd get the answering machine. Instead Danny answered. Pacey said, "Danny? Why are you there at 4 in the morning?"

"No, you first, Witter," Danny said.

"I was gonna call in sick," Pacey said.

"You don't sound sick at all," Danny said.

'My girlfriend, my ex-girlfriend, current friend, she got mugged last night. I'm at the hospital with her," Pacey said.

"Shit, is she alright?"

"Bruises and a possible concussion," Pacey said. "But I don't want to leave her alone, it was really scary for her."

"Take today, absolutely," Danny said.

"So why are you at the restaurant? Waiting for a delivery?"

"No, actually, my wife kicked me out so I'm living here, since we're being so personal," Danny said.

"Oh," Pacey said. "Sorry."

"It was exactly the right thing to do, I'm a horrible husband," Danny said. "See you tomorrow, kid."

He went back to the room and switched places with Audrey. Joey woke up and look startled but smiled when she saw Pacey. She smiled at Audrey, too.

Jo wanted to tell Audrey, too. "Spread the pain around," she said.

Jack came down to the hospital with an envelope for Pacey and a plate of lemon squares. "Grams started cooking. She's also praying while she cooks. So you have food and God on your side."

Pacey opened the envelope. Grams had sent his pills because she thought of everything. Pacey got some incredibly foul coffee to take them with, and then got two other small cups of the sludge for Audrey and Jack.

"None for me?" Joey smiled as he walked back in.

"I only have two hands, Potter," he said.

He sat there with her for the rest of the day, they didn't release her until 8 at night. While he sat there, Audrey came and went, Jack came and went, Andie came and went, even Dawson and Bessie. Pacey only left to go to the bathroom or take a walk when someone else was there. "I just don't want to be alone," Joey said to him, quietly, between visitors.

"You've got a very pleasant face," Pacey said. "I can manage looking at it."

He drove her home from the hospital and sat on her bed while she used the bathroom and showered. She left the door open. Pacey laid down on her bed and waited for Audrey to come home.

He must have fallen asleep because Joey pushed him awake and the room was dark. "I'll get out of bed," he mumbled.

"It's fine. We can just sleep," Joey said. "I can resist you, it's not like you have those construction worker biceps anymore."

"I'm not in bad shape or anything," Pacey said, whining. He set his phone alarm for 4:30 am. "I have to work tomorrow. Audrey will stay with you, right? That's okay, right?"

"Yeah," Joey said, softly. "It's fine. I'll be fine."

She wrapped her arms around him and kissed him again. It felt wonderful. He said, "Sleep."

She woke up when he left but so did Audrey, so he could see Joey wasn't panicking. He went home to get clean clothes and his pills. He went to work. Danny was very nice to him. Pacey said, "Now that you've been dumped, are you gonna make a real pass at me?"

"I'll probably stick to waitresses," Danny said. "Just because it ruined this marriage doesn't mean it's a bad thing."

"You were cheating on your wife," Pacey said.

"Compulsively," Danny said, not smiling.

"I know a doctor you can talk to about that," Pacey said.

"Nope," Danny said. "I am what I am. But thanks for caring."

He packed a just in case bag, and went to Joey's dorm. He knocked and Audrey answered. "Jen took her to dinner. She felt guilty," Audrey said.

"Why did Jen feel guilty?" Pacey went inside and sat on Joey's bed.

"She went to the bathroom and closed the door so when Joey woke up from her nap she had a total panic attack because she thought she was alone. But I think she's totally getting better," Audrey said.

"Really?"

"She's a very strong lady," Audrey said. "And I think it helped that you told her to talk about it when she started remembering things, I only had to hear the guy died in front of me story twice today. Second time, it was much less fraught."

"So that's good," Pacey said.

"Are you spending the night again?"

"If Joey wants me to," Pacey said. "I can sleep on the floor."

"Are you an idiot? Take the bed. Just, can I say something?"

"Don't let me stop you," Pacey said.

"If you guys are getting back together maybe actually talk this time," Audrey said.

"Yes, ma'am," Pacey said.

Joey came in a few minutes later, her face flushed and her shoulders tense but she was also smiling. Audrey said, "Where's Jen?"

"On her way home, I walked back by myself. And please, no applause because that is a pathetic accomplishment," Joey said. She sat down next to Pacey on the bed.

"It's not pathetic at all, Bunny," Audrey said. She stood up and put on her coat. "I am heading out. Out. I'll be home by 2 am."

Joey said, "Out where?"

"I met a person at the queer Boston college students get togethers I still go to even though I no longer have a girl sex partner. They're agender which means they don't identify as one or the other, which makes sense because they are too hot for one gender to contain. So we're going out and hopefully having sex, so I'll see ya," Audrey said.

"Also, she wants us to talk," Pacey said, after Audrey had left.

"That's good idea," Joey said. Pacey put his hands on her shoulders and started massaging them. "That's a fantastic idea."

"So Audrey is now dating men, women and agender people," Pacey said.

"Right," Joey said. "I wasn't, you know, if we're talking, I would say, I was really scared all summer and that first month in college. Which is funny because now that I've been truly terrified, I think my fear was kinda funny. But I was definitely running on fear. And I wanted you so much and I kept thinking about all of your fears and then I was very drunk and didn't want to think. But it wasn't about you or even Audrey, it was about reacting out of fear. And flipping out."

"And fear," Pacey said. "You've mentioned that one."

"Well, I wanted to be clear. My real mistake was we never really talked about that. About all my fear, and your fear. I never even asked if you'd gone off your meds or found a new therapist even though I knew you should, like, I knew you," Joey said.

"You know me, yes," Pacey said. "I didn't talk to you. Though, honestly, before we broke up, I wasn't really all that afraid. I liked my job, living with Grams and Jack and Jen was actually pretty cool. I was just afraid of you, for you. But I was feeling pretty confident. So maybe I should have asked you."

"But after you were too busy being a jerk," Joey said.

"I was. But also you cheated on me," Pacey said. "Just like Andie. After you lied about us to Dawson, even if you took it back and I don't mean to keep bringing that up, because I'm not upset, but it was emblematic for me."

"True," Joey said. "Is this enough talking? How do you feel about some heavy petting before bed and more tomorrow night?"

"I feel really good about that," he said.

After all the women, all of whom he really enjoyed, Joey was his favorite person to have in his arms. To love. He kissed her and he was hard, her hand on his chest, he was harder. She said, "Handjob?"

"Pretty please," he managed. He came quickly. He said, "That's because I love you, not because I'm, something."

"I'll take it as a compliment," she said, kissing him again. He went down on her and she came quickly. She laid back naked on the bed, and he ignored the bruises on her body. They got dressed in bed clothes so Audrey didn't get a show. Joey said, "You're better at that than my professor was."

"The trick to that, though, is practice," Pacey said. "And I mean practice with the same woman. I had an unfair advantage. I'll take the compliment, but a lot of is just knowing you, what you like."

"I think I was actually the first student he ever went to bed with," Joey said. "Which is why he withdrew from the college even though no one caught us or anything."

"You make people do extraordinary things," Pacey said.

She laughed and pulled him closer.

Pacey slept over the next three nights. He told his doctor and waited for her to be judgey or say he was doing good. She told him to stop looking for her judgment. "Not how this works," she said.

"You made a judgey face about my casual sex," Pacey said.

"You didn't talk about it like it was something you were proud of. You were trying to convince me you thought it was a okay, but you were doing very badly. I didn't make a judgey face. I made a skeptical face at your attempts to convince me and yourself," Dr. Williams said.

"Good to know," Pacey said. The woman was 5'3" in heels and she always made Pacey feel short. He said, "But it's okay if you make me feel little and small?"

She looked at him. "That's how you react to me, that's your decision."

"Good to know," he said.

He ran into Dawson when he got home from that session. "Dawson," Pacey said. "Why are you at Grams?"

"I applied to a film school here in Boston," Dawson said. "How's Joey? I went to see her but I don't know if she was covering or not."

"She's better, but not as good as she says. She can be alone in her room, or on the Worthington campus, but once she leaves the school, she gets really panicky if she's by herself for longer than a minute or two," Pacey said.

"So you two got back together," Dawson said.

"We're taking it slow," Pacey said. "How are you doing?"

"I'm actually in town to see a grief specialist slash therapist," Dawson said, looking down.

Pacey said, "Why is everyone copying me? Okay, I was copying Jen, but come on. I get a mental illness and everyone's jumping on the bandwagon." He smiled so Dawson would know he was kidding.

"I don't have a mental illness, I'm just grief stricken," Dawson said. He had a little smile. "But Jen's been really great. I've been mostly hanging with her."

Pacey nodded. He said, "And now I need to go upstairs so I get my only 8 hours of sleep."

Except he couldn't sleep. He drifted off, and woke in a panic of a nightmare. He rinsed and repeated that cycle for the next 6 hours. Then he gave up and went downstairs. He'd forgotten Dawson was on the couch, but Dawson was up anyway.

The two watched a number of Law and Orders in silence. Pacey finally fell asleep only to be woken up by Dawson poking him. "What the fuck?"

"This is when your 8 hours would be up," Dawson said. "Are you working early at the restaurant?"

"I am, actually, thank you. And then I have a class," Pacey said.

"What class are you taking now?"

"Bread," Pacey said. "It doesn't have a clever name, it's just how to make bread, and various types of bread. A lot of bread."

"I like bread," Dawson said.

"The bread I've been having is pretty delicious. Tomorrow Grams and I are doing challah," Pacey said. "If you have another copycat therapy session, it'll be ready for dinner."

Dawson smiled and told him to get to work.

He and Joey were taking things slow. It was another two weeks before they had sex - "vaginal intercourse," Jen said. "You've had sex, it just wasn't this particular kind of sex."

"Thanks, Jen, I appreciate that correction," Pacey said, without rolling his eyes too much.

"Hey, it's 2002, it's not too late to get these things right," Jen said.

"Thanks again, without you how would I know what's right and wrong?"

Jen smirked at him. "Look, I am currently non-exclusively dating a woman and man, do the sex things I do with the woman not count as sex because she's not putting a dick in my vagina?"

"Of course not," Pacey said, smiling weakly. "I'm so glad I told you about this. How's the non-exclusive dating going?"

"Not great," Jen said. "I'm bad at it. Some people are great at it, it's just not for me. But I like them both a lot so I don't know how to choose."

"They're not self-selecting out?"

"Tragically, no," Jen said.

His favorite part of the week was when Dr. Williams told him he no longer had to come every week. "Stay on your prescriptions and we'll check in every month to see how you are."

He almost wanted to drop off his best loaf of bread which was pretty damn amazing bread, but it seemed like a bad idea to give gifts to his doctor for letting him off the talking hook.

Pacey had a great rhythm going, from work to home to class to work and all time in between with Joey if she wasn't in class or studying. She was mostly good. He still went to Worthington to escort her to his place and went with her back so she could do it. She had managed her summer internship/job interviews by herself, but everyone could tell it took a lot out of her. She insisted on doing it. It helped they were all in the day time.

Joey was asleep next to him when he got a text from Danny. It said "come downstairs." It was 2 am and Pacey had no memory of telling Danny where he lived. It was on his paycheck, though, of course. Pacey woke up Joey and said, "My freak boss is downstairs to talk to me, so I'm going to stop him from waking up anyone else."

Joey nodded and went back to sleep.

Pacey stepped outside in his sweats and coat. Danny was pacing on the sidewalk. "What's up, man?"

"I sold the restaurant," Danny said. "I really wanted to tell you. They'll keep you on staff, of course, you're great. But they're sure to hire a new chef. I sold my share of the restaurant, I should say. Emily got half of that share. I don't know what I want or what I'm going to do with my half."

"Wait, you sold the restaurant?" Pacey frowned. "What the fuck?"

"The restaurant that ruined my marriage -"

"Not your cheating on your wife repeatedly with more than one waitress," Pacey said, nodding.

"Yes, I sold my share. Some people made me a good offer and then the divorce is all over, everything settled. I'm single and have no job. For now. But you have a job. I just wanted you to know when you show up at work tomorrow." Danny was still pacing. He looked down at his phone. Then he held up a finger and said, "Wait."

"Wait for what? I mean, thanks for telling me, but if I had known, I just signed up for a new class and who knows if the new chef will even keep me on? For fuck's sake, Danny," Pacey said. He rubbed his forehead.

Danny called someone and started talking to them, walking further down the dark street so Pacey couldn't hear. He sure as shit wasn't following Danny around like some goddamned puppy. Wouldn't any new chef in charge look at Pacey as someone with barely any experience and worse, Danny's favorite? Why keep the previous guy's favorite when you could just hire his or her own favorite and fire Pacey. Then he'd be unemployed and without health insurance. He thought about the money he'd saved to give Joey her $500. He was so close to having all of it.

Danny walked back towards Pacey. Pacey was fuming, clenching and unclenching his fists. Danny was his only reference so punching him would be ill-advised.

Danny said, "Hey, want a job?"

"Didn't you just say I had a job?"

"No, I mean a job with me. I just got an offer and they'll let me bring you along. I start Wednesday, you start Friday," Danny said, grinning.

"Where?" Pacey sighed. "Please don't say Burger King."

Danny laughed and then said, "It's a place on Beacon Hill, a restaurant called, uh, something stupid. I told them to change the name but they refused, it's had the same name for 50 years. They've upgraded the kitchen since then, thank God. They tried to poach me before but now I'm unemployed. I was unemployed. I sign contracts tomorrow after I've sobered up. I'm allowed to hire my own staff, and I'll have to wade through all the current staff to see if any of them can do the job, but if I have you, I know I have at least one guy I can trust."

"Okay, sure. Sure. That's awesome. Do you have a place to sleep tonight?"

"Why sleep?"

Pacey said, "Because then you're sober when you sign a contract and well-rested. Come inside, you can have the couch."

"Don't you live with 30 people and an old lady?"

"I live with 3 people these days including Grams who is not just some old lady. She's a very important person and you should treat her that way," Pacey said.

"Got it," Danny said, lurching into the house.

When Pacey went downstairs for breakfast in the morning with Joey before he took her back to Worthington, he found Danny in the kitchen. "I cooked," Danny said.

"He really did," Dawson said. Pacey stared for a minute since Dawson had not been on the couch so he wasn't sure where Dawson would have slept. He was also sitting right next to Jen which was interesting. Pacey was in too much of a fog to think more than that.

"I met Mrs. Ryan," Danny said. "I'm supposed to call her Mrs. Ryan."

"Word," Jen said.

Danny waved the spatula at Pacey. "Do you really take Pilates with her?"

"Yeah, of course, none of these other losers will go with her," Pacey said. "It's good exercise."

"Pacey has to exercise," Dawson said.

"Staying in shape," Pacey said, clapping Dawson on the back. He hoped that communicated that he was not disclosing his fucked up brain status to Danny. Jen looked over her shoulder at him so he knew she got it.

Joey sat down. "What are we having?"

"I can only make what's in the refrigerator, so eggs however you want with your choice of meats and vegetables," Danny said.

Joey made her request and Pacey just said, "Same." He also added, "There's also delicious bread, thank you very much."

"No," Jen said. "All gone."

"There was a whole loaf in there last night," Pacey said. "Did you guys really eat all of it and save none of it for me?"

Dawson said, "Jack asked for french toast and so did Grams. And Jen and I had toast."

"I hate all of you," Joey said.

Pacey said, "I still have my shift today, right, Danny?"

"Yeah, sure. If the place is even open. I don't work there now," Danny said. "Man, this hangover is awful."

Joey looked at him. "Do you still have a job?"

"He totally does," Danny said. "Don't worry, Pacey's girlfriend."

"I have a name," Joey said.

"I know, he says it all the time but I can't remember if it's Josey, Joanna, or possibly Zoe?"

"Joey," Pacey said. "Joey. You sound so much like my mother right now."

"Your mother never called me Zoe," Joey said. "Oh, God, once she called me Jody, though."

"Joey," Danny said. "Joey, I have a new job. At another restaurant. So I am going to take Pacey with me there."

"No more deep discount at Civilization?" Jen frowned. "Where is this new restaurant?"

"Beacon Hill," Pacey said. Danny dished out his and Joey's breakfast. He fiddled with both of their plates, making sure the presentation was perfect. Joey looked amused. "What," Pacey said.

"That's where you get it from," Joey said. "Pacey does the same thing every time he makes us food. Presentation matters." She rolled her eyes.

"It does matter," Pacey said. "You know that's the class I'm taking right now?"

"How to put the right sprig of parsley on the right place on the plate," Dawson said.

"It's more complicated than that -"

"There's a lot more to it than that," Pacey said at the same time as Danny spoke.

"Got it," Dawson said.

Civilization was indeed closed with a sign on the door about under new ownership. Employees were supposed to come to a meeting the next day. Pacey noted the part where the meeting did not count as paid time. So he'd be working for cheap assholes if Danny didn't come through.

Danny dropped by the house on Wednesday morning, while Pacey and Grams were at Pilates. He was still sitting on the porch when the two of them walked up in their workout clothes. "Hello, Mrs. Ryan," Danny said.

"Hello, Mr. Brecher," Grams said. She did not like Danny, and Pacey was afraid to probe what the guy had done that morning they'd met.

"The restaurant is called Amos Bronson's, after someone famous. Or someone's famous brother," Danny said.

"Amos Bronson Alcott was the father of Louisa May Alcott and an important figure in transcendentalism," Pacey said. "Is this a vegan restaurant?"

"God no," Danny said. "Why?"

"He was a vegan advocate before it had a name," Pacey said.

"It is not a vegan restaurant," Danny said. "How do you even know that?"

"My girlfriend whose name is Joey, her favorite book is Little Women by Louisa May Alcott. She did a whole project on the family last semester. With help from my ex-girlfriend Andie who goes to Harvard," Pacey said.

"I get it, you sleep with genius girls," Danny said. "I've signed everything, did the tour today, started meeting the staff. Can you start tomorrow?"

"That's gonna make me popular, how many people are you firing tomorrow?"

"I fired them today," Danny said. "Were you fired at Civilization yet?"

"I was laid off today," Pacey said. "I was a little mouthy at the employee meeting on Tuesday."

"You got to stop that," Danny said. "Don't do it when you work for me."

"I always did that when I worked for you," Pacey said. "Now you don't like my sassy edge?"

"Point," Danny said.

The new restaurant was not surprisingly pretty different from Civilization. It was a lot of adapting, dealing with new cooking staff and waiters some of who understandably weren't that fond of Pacey just on principle. They started calling him Patsy instead of Pacey as a super clever joke. Pacey rolled with it. "It's so misogynistic," Jack said. "They're calling you by a girl's name to insult you."

"Also, they were trying to combine Chef's pet and my name. Petsy sounds stupid," Pacey said. "It's fine, man, I get it. When I worked construction, they called me Piggy because my dad was the sheriff. And we all got along."

"Piggy, though, that's pretty good," Jack said, smiling.

"Watch out, Jackers," Pacey said. "I'm good with knives."

The hardest part was that he lost his health insurance from Civilization and the people who ran Amos Bronson's didn't give the cooking staff health insurance until 90 days on the job. He sat down with Grams and tried to figure out what he could do about his prescriptions but the only conclusion he came to was that he was royally fucked.

He didn't want to tell Joey, he really didn't want to but they were supposed to be making it work. He loved her, she loved him, he owed her. It took him a week to muster up the courage. He sat on Joey's bed in her dorm and chewed on his thumb.

Joey said, "Okay, just tell me. I am so anxious waiting for you to tell me whatever you don't want to tell me."

"Since I don't have health insurance and won't for over 63 days, basically, I have to pay full price for my prescriptions for the next 8 months. Because I was diagnosed with depression back in 2001, it's a pre-existing condition, and they can and will exclude all my expenses related to it for the first six months I have health insurance when I finally get on the plan. Which means I'm paying $225 once a month to see Dr. Williams and another $263 for the prescriptions. Since I can't afford that, I was kinda planning to go off my meds," Pacey said in a rush.

"No, you're not," Joey said. "I'll help."

"How? Come on, Joey, you're not making any money this summer. How are you paying for college next year, again?"

"I'm taking out a student loan," Joey said. Bessie had lectured some sense into Joey on the subject. Thankfully the B&B was doing so well, they were making progress on the mortgage so Bessie could tell Joey by the time Joey graduated, Bessie would be able to help.

"You have no money," Pacey said. "You definitely don't have an extra $500 a month. Neither do I."

"You could stop taking classes," Joey said. "Just until your coverage kicks in."

"My classes are not that expensive," Pacey said. "I'm already planning to stop taking classes, and I did the math, it doesn't help that much."

"Did you try," Joey frowned. "You can't do this, Pacey. Did you talk to Dr. Williams?"

"I called her and she gave me a free call back. She says it's a bad idea to go off my meds, but she understands if I have to."

"She said it was a bad idea," Joey said. "Ask your dad."

"My dad?" Pacey was frowning now. "Ask my dad to loan me $4000?"

"Yes," Joey said. "Or just $2000, just stay on your meds and don't see Dr. Williams until you have health insurance. Or every three months or something. Your dad was willing to pay all those bills last year, and this time you can pay him back."

"I paid him back last time," Pacey said.

"Please, I think you need to do this," Joey said.

"Okay," Pacey said. "Okay."

He drove to Capeside the next day. Unfortunately, the only time he could talk to his dad was after dinner, meaning his mother and Doug were there. "So, I need your help," Pacey said.

"That's not a surprise," his mother said. "We love you, Pacey, but we all expected it was going to be harder to make it as a cook than you thought."

Pacey gritted his teeth and thought about Joey. He'd promised her he'd try. He said, "No, it's not the job. I have a great job, actually, they're very happy with me. It's just the health insurance."

His mother's eyes narrowed. "You need money to pay for those medications you're on. What happens when you're not on them? Are you even able to work?"

"I can work," Pacey said. "I can work fine. But my doctor thinks I should stay on them."

"Oh, your doctor," his mother said.

Doug said, "How much do you need?"

"I need to borrow about $3000," Pacey said. "My health insurance at the new restaurant kicks in in 2 and a half months but it's a pre-existing condition so they don't have to cover it for six months. And without insurance the pills alone are like $263." Pacey braced himself for what his mother would say to that.

She started to say something, but Pacey's dad interrupted. "We can do that. I'll send you a check for $400 once a month. You pay me back when you have the money."

"Thanks, Dad," Pacey said.

"This is what we do for our kids," Pacey's Dad said. "I got this."

His mother sighed excessively. Pacey noted that his dad had switched from we to I. "Thank you," he said, again. His dad even hugged him.

Pacey drove home with the first check in his back pocket. He was upstairs, getting into bed before he even cried. He was a fucking sap, Dawson wouldn't think twice about asking his parents for this kind of thing. Pacey felt like he'd walked through a mud lake. He kept hearing his mom saying are you even able to work. Was he even able to work.


	5. Chapter 5

WARNING: there is a suicide attempt in this chapter "onscreen."

* * *

He bought his pills. He drove to Capeside and served his parents and Doug an expertly cooked fish with baby potatoes as a thank you. His father and Doug dug in and made happy noises, while his mother carefully poked hers. "I just want to make sure you got all the bones, Pacey, it's very important when you're cooking fish. If you're just a little bit careless, one of us will choke." Then when she found none, she commented about how expensive the fish must have been and why someone who had to borrow money for medications maybe shouldn't spend so much on fish.

Pacey thought about saying the last time he'd inadequately deboned a fish was when he was 14, or how much people at the restaurant paid for fish he'd prepared and frankly paying customers wouldn't put up with any carelessness. He was going to tell her he'd gotten the fish at a deep discount from a friend of Danny's, but he just shut up and sat there, not even hungry anymore.

He mentioned it to Dr. Williams and he could see, now that he was an experienced therapy receiver, that she was working the same tack as Frost: Pacey's mom wasn't the most supportive woman in the world and he should probably ignore her.

He tried. He still called his dad to check before signing up for another culinary class. "It's called dry heat cooking methods part 1, it's supposed to be really helpful. It's only 5 weeks, but I'm racking up credits and it looks good, and it's helpful. And I already said that."

His dad said, "Shit, Pacey, I'm not approving all your financial decisions. You're acting like an adult here, you shouldn't skip the things you do because you can't afford this one thing. Take all the classes you need."

"Okay, thanks," Pacey said.

He got used to waking up next to Joey, seeing her face first thing. Amos Bronson's didn't have breakfast except on Saturday and Sunday so he didn't have to rush as much. He could look at her sleep or kiss her beautiful face, or wait for her to wake up and push up her shirt to show his appreciation for her beautiful breasts. And other magnificent parts.

He'd planned to save up and get them a crappy apartment to live in over the summer and into her sophomore year, but he had to put that off again. Joey got a low paying internship at an independent book press, so she moved in with him at Grams's after finals and paid a pittance to her in rent. "The only one who doesn't pay is Jen," Joey said. "I know Mr. McPhee pays a pretty penny for Jack staying here."

"Well," Andie said. "It's here or he'd be paying for dorms at Boston Bay."

"And Harvard is expensive enough," Pacey said. They were sitting around in his room. Finals were done, grades had been received, Andie had wept at little at her lone B+ and Joey had commiserated over her irritating B. Now it was hot and clammy and Pacey's room was somehow the coolest in the house. "Did your dad pay for Jack and Jen's trip to Costa Rica?"

"A part of it," Andie said. "I can't believe neither of them got an internship or a job."

"You totally can believe it," Joey said. "Not everyone is the two of us."

"Dawson got a job and he's going to school," Andie said.

"He's taking a class at Boston University before he starts at Emerson," Joey said. "And he's just working at one of the local theaters. It's pretty much grunt work."

"He's thinking about getting experience and learning," Andie said.

"Jack and Jen are having experiences," Pacey said, laughing.

The summer passed like the one before except Pacey liked his job a ton better and he felt much less zombie like. He took Joey to a party one of the other prep cooks had thrown, they sat on the roof of some apartment building in Somerville. He said, "I wonder where I'd be if I'd gotten treatment back when I was 16. What if I hadn't bombed my sophomore year? I can look back and think, shit, maybe this would have made a real difference in my life. Can you imagine, if I'd been getting good grades all junior year, and I didn't have retake all the shit when we got back from the summer? My SATs weren't that bad, I might be at Boston Bay with Jack and Jen."

Joey shrugged and looked at him with sad eyes.

"Would have made your life a lot easier," Pacey said.

"Yours, too, doofus," Joey said. "Or not, who knows how things would have happened? Aren't you the one who says no regrets because you are where you are?"

"I regret not going to college," Pacey said. "It makes me feel stupid."

"Tell that to your fellow students at the culinary school. You always get As," Joey said.

One of his friends wandered over and sat next to them. "Are either of you totally drunk?"

"Nope," Joey said. "Do you need a ride home? We don't have a car, either."

"No, everyone else seems super bombed and I was hoping for a decent conversation," Brad said. "Pacey is sometimes a motormouth and sometimes he's just a bad mood mute."

"That pretty much sums him up," Joey said.

"Hey," Pacey said. "We were talking about regrets. I used to say I had none because all the bad and bumpy brought me to where I am now. But now I don't know. I'm kinda regretting some of my high school years. You?"

Joey said, "I regret most that I never went to Paris when I had the chance. I mean, wow, that was a stupid decision."

"And you broke up with him, what, 3 months later?"

"Not even that," Joey said. "But it's not the relationship I regret, not at all, it's just, you know, Paris."

"I regret going to college," Brad said.

Pacey said, "Really?"

"It was stupid. I just wanted to cook. Now I have two years of student loans from Boston University and a couple of books that look good on on my shelves," Brad said. "It wasn't for me."

"That's true for a lot of people," Joey said. "We just force people to go to college. Not force, but we make teenagers think that it's the only thing they can do."

"No, Jo, that's just the people you know," Pacey said.

"Yeah, half of my class in high school went to community college, or started working, or technical schools. A couple of cops," Brad said.

"My brother the cop went to college," Pacey said.

Joey said, "Didn't he major in criminology or something like that?"

"You know Dougie, he was never gonna do anything else," Pacey said.

Someone started laughing or screaming and when they turned someone had started a fire in a large can. "Okay, I'm out of here," Brad said.

"Wise move," Joey said, grabbing Pacey's hand and they all left.

In the heat of the summer, Pacey would just close the door to his room and the two of them would lie around naked. Joey glistened and read aloud from the books her press published she got to take home. He would lay his head on her thighs and listen.

One night she said, "Do you really think we'll last?"

"Do you think we won't?"

"The odds are against us," Joey said. "Bessie keeps trying to tell me about how much I'm growing and changing at college. You're not the Joey Potter who left here. I have the distinct impression she does not like you as my boyfriend anymore."

"I still like you," Pacey said. "Maybe she's trying to say you've gained weight. Which you haven't."

"Changed as a person, asshole," Joey said. "Of course I haven't gained weight, I'm sweating off 5 pounds every day in that office."

"I guess we could operate like we have an expiration date because the odds are against us," Pacey said. "I think that means a lot more sex while we're still young and nubile and in great shape, so in favor of that for that reason. But honestly, I think we take it as it comes. We keep planning to be together until we hate each other and it's a dumb idea."

"I appreciate that you think we should have tons of sex before we break up," Joey said. "But we should break up before we hate each other."

"Taken under advisement," Pacey said, kissing her bare thigh. She inhaled, smiling, shivering under his mouth.

She said, "I just, you know, sometimes I think what if I only have sex with two men in my whole life?"

"People are changing and growing like me," Pacey said. "I'm like 7 men with all these mood swings."

"You know what I mean. You've slept with all those women, you can just settle down without regret," Joey said.

"But I really don't want you to have sex with other people," Pacey said. "I'm not up for an open relationship, sweetie. Or a ton of threesomes."

"I hadn't thought of threesomes," Joey said. "Maybe in our thirties. How many of those have you had?"

"One," Pacey said. "It was apparently good preparation for our thirties, since it was another guy and me and a girl."

"Yeah, that's what we're doing," Joey said, smiling. "After we've had kids because questionable paternity is a bit too much for me."

"And me," Pacey said. "So your current plan is have kids in your twenties, in your thirties we become the kind of couple that has threesomes. What are we doing in our forties?"

"We have time to figure that out," Joey said.

"This conversation didn't go the direction I thought from your start. I feel like I have to make sure we're having really good sex to make up for you only having me to fuck," Pacey said.

"That works for me," she said, moving forward and kissing him.

The summer came and went while Pacey got As in dry heat cooking methods part 1 and part 2. Danny was more entrenched at the new restaurant and the other cooking staff resented Pacey less and less. "Because you know what you're doing and you're rarely an asshole," Danny said.

Pacey said, "Do I have to worry about you selling your share in this place and leaving again?"

Danny shrugged. "As of today, no. I'll never stop working, though, so you're pretty safe in that regard."

"Yeah, unless the next jump to the next restaurant is in New York or Chicago," Pacey said.

"Well, then you'd have to get another job, I guess if you want to stay in Boston," Danny said. "You won't have a single problem doing that, kid. Trust me."

Joey moved back into the dorm, another year sharing with Audrey. Joey kept taking her writing and English courses. She got a short story about a dystopian future farm community published in the school lit magazine. "I thought about doing a story taken from my life, but I figured that's Dawson's area of concentration."

Jen laughed with a snort. They were having Sunday dinners, now expanded to Jack, Andie, Grams, Jen, Audrey, Joey, Dawson and Pacey and people's girlfriends and exes that the others liked. "They published her illustration, too," Audrey said, smiling.

"You are all too talented for me," Jen said. "Pacey can cook, Joey can write and draw, Audrey's a great actress, Dawson makes movies and you -" she pointed at a friend of Dawson's Pacey thought was named Julian. "You go to Emerson so I assume you're arty."

"I play the cello," Julian said. "And write scripts."

"I'm not talented either according to this list, Jen," Andie said.

"Us blondes," Jen said.

"I'm blonde," Audrey said.

"Exception proves the rule," Jen said.

"I'm blondish," Dawson said.

"Ugh, fine, it's just me," Jen said. "I don't know what I should do with the rest of my life. I'm supposed to pick a major and I don't know. I need someone to tell me."

"I know what I'm doing," Andie said.

"Doctor," Jack said. "When did I hear that first? Oh, two minutes after you were born."

"Psychiatrist," Andie said.

"Oh, you'll be good at that," Dawson said.

"I've had so many bad psychiatrists, that just have no idea what it's like to be sick. They picture hallucinations like it's Fight Club or something they've seen on TV," Andie said.

Audrey said, "Was Fight Club a hallucination?"

Julian said, "What are your hallucinations like then?"

"I would hear voices and see something, but not like a person standing right next to me," Andie said. "Knowing that will be helpful when I talk to my future patients."

Pacey liked to sit back and watch everyone eat his food, feel his friends around him.

One day in fall, it seemed to happen just all at once, he was irritated with everything. His back ached and it made him want to hit every person he saw. He gritted his teeth and went to work and smiled when he needed to.

He went to visit Joey at her dorm but mostly he was just sitting on her bed, clenching his fists and trying to relax his shoulders. Joey came in and just looked at him. She said, "Did you take your pills?"

"Of course I did, I never skip them, fuck," Pacey said.

"You just look like you used to, when things were bad," Joey said.

"Well, I don't have an appointment with Dr. Williams for another six weeks, so I'm sure I'm fucking fine," Pacey said.

Joey said, "That glare and your swearing totally convinces me. Can you make an earlier appointment?"

"I can't afford it," Pacey said.

"Let someone help you," Joey said.

"I'm not asking for even more money," Pacey said. "I just, I'm sure it'll blow over. I just need to exercise and be happy."

"Pacey," Joey said, softly. She sat down next to him. "Next week, next week if you're still feeling this way, let's find a way for you to see Dr. Williams."

"Let us find a way," Pacey said. "Okay."

He put on a good face for the next week and Joey calmed down a little. He didn't understand this rush in his head. He was taking his pills. He only slept 8 hours, he jogged and did pilates with Grams. He was fine.

Sunday morning, he got up earlier and jogged for an hour. There were so many people in the house but no one was awake. Or downstairs at least. Pacey was going to make breakfast. He grabbed one of his best knives, that he'd paid good money for, and twirled it for a minute.

He cut his wrist. It was a really good sharp knife. He cut sideways and then up and down. He knew what he was doing. He didn't stop doing it. He felt weak and he had to sit down. Someone shouted his name, someone cried and he closed his eyes.

When Pacey woke up, he felt drugged. He opened his eyes and tried to sit up. He was strapped down. This was a hospital. He couldn't afford a hospital. He looked around, scared for himself. Dr. Williams stood over him. "One of your medications stopped being effective," she said. "You tried to kill yourself. But you live with an excellent nurse and made it here alive."

"I need to go home," Pacey said.

"No, you're staying here for 72 hours. We need to adjust your medication and get you back on track," Dr. Williams said.

"I can't afford that. I don't have the money for that, I'm not covered," Pacey said.

"Or you're dead," Dr. Williams said. "I know your bills feel pressing, but right now, you're not dead. Depression kills people all the time. It nearly killed you. So you're staying here, and your bills can wait."

"No," he said.

Dr. Williams did something and he fell back asleep.

He woke up in scrubs in a hospital room. His wrist was heavily bandaged. Pacey flexed his fingers to make sure he could still work. It hurt but he could do it. A nurse came in and he went through his first regimented day. He spent an hour talking to Dr. Williams. He hadn't consciously wanted to die. He really hadn't. Dr. Williams nodded sagely. She gave him new medication.

The second day they let him have visitors, two, at least. His dad sat there rubbing his forehead. Pacey said, "Sorry."

"No, I know, Mrs. Ryan explained it after the doctors did, the medication stopped working and sometimes it has these side effects. Depression is a disease. I got it."

"You sure sound like you got it," Pacey said, smiling. "Sorry, I'm not trying to be mean."

"I know," Pacey's Dad said. "It's just hard when your kids are sick and you can't help them."

"You're helping, it's nice of you to visit me in the looney ward."

"Pacey," his dad said. "You're gonna get better."

"Absolutely," Pacey said. "I'm probably going to have to borrow more money from you."

"Whatever you need," his dad said.

Joey's visit was exponentially worse. She looked like she's seen a ghost or maybe her boyfriend stabbing his wrist and covered with blood. She hugged him so tight it actually hurt though he didn't say one word.

Then she sat down and looked at him with her exhausted eyes. "I'm sorry," he said.

She exhaled slowly. "Next time you feel this come on, I don't care what the money is. You go to your doctor. I don't care if we end up in a van by the river, Pacey."

"I don't want to end up in a van by the river but you know how expensive all of this is going to be," Pacey said. "If I even still have a job."

"You have a job," Joey said.

"I appreciate your optimism -"

"I talked to Danny," Joey said. "You were supposed to work yesterday, you know. I went down there and told him all of it."

"Fuck," Pacey said. "So he was nice to you."

"No, he was incredibly concerned about you because he really likes you and wants you to be well," Joey said. "He said he could lend you money if you need."

"I can't borrow from my boss," Pacey said.

"Pacey, stop," Joey said. "I don't care if we're living on the fucking street, we make this happen. I don't know if you missed it, but this can kill you." She sniffled. "Okay?"

"Okay," he said. "I love you."

"I love you, too," she said.

He went home two days later with new prescriptions and some ugly cuts that were sure to leave completely uncool scars. He apologized to everyone he'd traumatized which was basically everyone who lived at Grams's. They were all still delicate around him, scared of him. He tried to remember that he could only do so much and he wasn't a loser. He'd hurt his friends and he had to make it up to them. But he couldn't do that by thinking of himself as a loser.

He was even more fucked with paying for sessions with Dr. Williams and his three prescriptions. His father was sending him $600 a month. He waited for the hospital stay bill to come like he waited for a piano to fall on him.

Jack opened the bill for him because privacy mattered nothing to anyone he lived with. Pacey came home from work and Jack said, "The total is $6500 for your stay in the hospital. You're responsible for all of that, of course, because your insurance counts it all as part of your pre-existing condition."

Pacey sunk into the couch and stared at the bill. His father might have that money but he could only go to the well so long. "I had a dream of my own apartment I could live in with Joey," Pacey said. "Maybe when I'm 30, I guess."

"A big car seat counts as an apartment, right?" Jack smiled at him. "Trust me, my dad was thrilled that I didn't go to Harvard like Andie and have no thoughts of medical school. He's paid some stiff bills on Andie and my mom."

"Awesome," Pacey said. He had to tell Joey but he wasn't up for it. He picked up his phone and called Danny. "Hey, any chance of a raise?"

"How much do you need, kid?"

"A pretty good raise," Pacey said. "Really big raise, that's what I need."

"How much is the hospital bill?"

"$6500," Pacey said. "So divide that by the next twelve months and add it to my paycheck and that's what I need as a raise."

"I'll cover it," Danny said.

"Stop shitting me," Pacey said.

"Look, my health insurance didn't take 90 days to kick in. I get paid more than you. I have that much saved for a down payment on a car. I can wait another 4 months to upgrade the Porsche. You're like a kid to me, and I don't plan to have any of those for real. So take the money," Danny said.

"You shouldn't gift it or loan it to me," Pacey said. "You're my boss."

"I'm also your friend, right? I even made breakfast for those people you live with. Your girlfriend cried all over me. That makes me a friend. Or a third removed cousin or something," Danny said. "Christ, take the damn money."

"But now I can't go to work at that place across the street," Pacey said.

"Good, so you can call it a business decision on my part," Danny said. "Employee retention is important to me."

"Do I have to sleep with you? I'm not saying no," Pacey said.

"Probably not," Danny said. "Bring in the bill tomorrow."

Pacey said thank you and good bye. He looked at his phone in confusion. Who were these people in his life and why did they stay?

He was walking with Andie to one of her classes on the Harvard campus, because they'd talked too long at lunch. He said, "In my time at the looney bin -"

"Please, looney ward," Andie said. "I was in an actual looney bin for longer than 3 days, you don't get to join my club."

"Fine," Pacey said, in an exaggerated eye roll.

Andie held his scarred wrist and said, "Swear."

"Swear I will make every effort," Pacey said. He kissed her forehead before she heading into class.

A month out of the looney ward, he felt back on an even keel. Danny had hid everything that happened from his partners and everyone in the kitchen. Pacey decided to roll with that. Half the people who worked at Amos Bronson's were recovering addicts or ones who insisted they could snort just one bump these days, it was all under control. But depression was apparently a whole different kettle of fish.

Right before his health insurance finally kicked in and his pre-existing illness was something they had to pay for, Danny gave him and a woman prep cook promotions up to sous chef. He made a goofy ceremony of it with a ladle and extraordinarily goofy hats they had to wear the whole shift. The woman, Latonya, walked out with Pacey, grinning. "I might keep the hat," she said.

"I am going to stash it somewhere in my room and not think about it until I finally get to move."

"You live in that group house, right?" LaTonya had a gorgeous smile. Back in Pacey's slut days he would have been all over her, more than once.

"Group house is one way to put it. Basically, my best friend's next door neighbor sold her house and bought one up here so she could keep living with her granddaughter and her granddaughter's gay best friend. I have a room because we were a disgustingly incestuous group in high school which gets even worse when my best friend and my girlfriend, who also used to date each other, are in the house, too. But she sleeps in my bed and he sleeps on the couch," Pacey said. "I really want my own place. I owe a shit ton of money, though."

"What's your girlfriend do?

"Go to Worthington, get good grades," Pacey said. He frowned. "Though she actually went out and got a job last week."

"No working in college?" LaTonya looked skeptical.

"She was a waitress all through high school and I thought, hey, if you want a job, why not the place where I work? But nope, she ended up at some dive bar because she liked how punk rock the owner was," Pacey said. "I don't like how scummy the patrons are. The bartender is already hitting on her."

"Tattoo Pacey's on her forehead now that you got a raise," LaTonya said.

"She can handle herself, I'm pretty secure with all that, she's just worked with some practitioners of sexual harassment and I hate her having to repeat that," Pacey said.

"But you got a raise," LaTonya said, smiling. "I got a raise."

"It's awesome. In a month or two I can start sending every extra penny to my father to pay him back for the $5000 he's loaned me in the last year," Pacey said.

"At least he won't send someone to break your legs," LaTonya said. "See you tomorrow."

He sent his dad $250 a month, and set aside $50 for the someday apartment fund. He started up again with his culinary classes. He had moist cooking methods part 1 and 2 to take.

Finally, 2002 was over and it was time for something new and better. The change of the year was an arbitrary and stupid day to get energized by, but Pacey was willing to let it be. Joey got another bunch of straight As just like Andie. Jen decided to get a degree in women's studies which seemed less than practical, but something Jen was super energized by. Jack had decided he was going to be a teacher. "They need you at Capeside," Pacey said.

"I could not agree more," Jack said. "If they'll hire a gay teacher."

"You can sue," Jen said. "Dawson has money now."

Dawson had started at Emerson and almost immediately got involved with a student film, followed by meeting someone from New York City who hired him to work on a low budget indie film and then hired Dawson to reshoot the ending for the satisfaction of the people who were hoping to sell it at Sundance.

Joey had decided to write, probably. "It really makes me regret listening to Bessie about those student loans," Joey said.

"Nothing says you can't write and waitress at the same time. Do you know how good the tips are where I work?"

"Not interested," Joey said.

"Because big tips just aren't punk rock," Pacey said.

"Never mind," Joey said. "Discussion done." She took off her jeans and straddled him. "Can we talk about something else?" She started pulling down his pants. "No underwear?"

"Sometimes," Pacey said. He gripped her thighs and started caressing her, closer and closer to her underwear. She was already wet. He lifted her up, she squealed, and he pulled her underwear off. Then he reached for the bedside table, but Joey was already putting a condom in his hand. He put it on and she tugged him inside her. They were one together. Pacey was only poetic when he was having sex.

After three months working at the dive bar, Joey had come home with all sorts of stories about her boss and the asshole bartender. The bartender had spent all of Joey's time there belittling and insulting her and then telling her how much she wanted him. A week ago, Joey had finally confronted him and made him stop. "I told I am not interested in him, he is not impressing me, and if he tried anything again or spoke to me like that, I would tell our boss."

"Good for you," Pacey said.

"I was complaining about him to Andie and she said that kind of sounded like banter, like we used to do or you and Andie. But it's totally not. Banter starts from a place of friendship. Both sides like each other. It's not just a guy insulting and making a woman feel bad," Joey said.

"Absolutely," Pacey said.

A week later, Joey called him from the bar to pick her up at the bar. She sounded upset. Pacey was helping Danny to clean the kitchen, so he asked Danny to borrow his car. "My girlfriend -"

"Her name is Joey, I know. Don't call her Jody," Danny said. He tossed the car keys at Pacey and Pacey caught them deftly, if he did say so himself.

When he got to the damn dive bar, Joey was waiting outside with the woman Pacey assumed was the kick ass owner. Joey said, "Danny's car?"

"Yup," Pacey said. She got in and waved at the other woman.

"So what happened?"

Joey said, "It's all taken care of and I'm fine, let me start with that, okay?"

"That's not a great start to a story."

"After a week of being nice, Mr. Asshole came in on his day off, already drunk and said he'd help me clean up which was actually him full on trying to grope me and when I pushed him away, he got really angry like I owed him something," Joey said. She pushed her hair behind her ear and he could see a bruise on her cheek. "But don't worry, my brave boss showed up and stuck a shotgun to his butt, told him to leave or she'd see how far it would go."

"That was nice of her," Pacey said. "So he left or you called the cops?"

"He was fired and he stormed out. If he comes back, she'll call the cops on him," Joey said. "It's just a few bruises, I'm really okay."

"You were attacked in a place you should feel safe in," Pacey said. "You don't have to be okay. I'm not planning some violent revenge, I swear this isn't high school and your mural, but you should be able to to go to work and feel safe."

"I know," Joey said, sniffling. "I know."

He drove her back to Worthington and tucked her into bed, holding her.

She was miraculously fine in the morning. Audrey cooed over the bruises, Pacey said she should come to work with him and she said no again. Pacey felt inadequate in the face of her resilience given how he basically fell apart over breakups and bad grades.

A few weeks later, after he got his grade on his moist cooking methods part 2 class, another A, Pacey ambled home, walking slowly. He even whistled.

When he got inside, he could just sense the impending surprise party. Jen was the worst at keeping those things secret. He didn't quite get why the party was happening, but he thought the theme probably wasn't 'good work not trying to killing yourself for five whole months.'

"I'm so surprised," he said, laughing, as they all jumped out.

"No, you are not," Dawson said. "But do you know why we're surprising you?"

"That will be a surprise," Pacey said, looking around.

Andie stepped forward and said, "I've done the math so you can trust me, but adding together the credits for all your classes and what they would have been credit wise at a community college, plus the credits you would have earned for working, you have earned yourself an Associate degree in culinary arts." She handed him a rolled up certificate. "It's not real, so don't put it on your resume, but it is real, because you're a graduate now."

"Magma cum laude," Joey said, smiling. "We're assuming Brecher would have given you an A, like the rest of your teachers."

Pacey unrolled his certificate. Clearly Jack had worked extra hard on it. He was definitely tearing up. "Guys, you didn't have to."

"You're right, but we did it anyway," Jen said, hugging his waist. "The unfortunate part is that we all did the cooking."

"We bought the cake," Dawson said.

"I don't mind," Pacey said, wiping at his eyes. Thank you guys, seriously."


	6. Chapter 6

Joey's senior year, Pacey had finally saved enough to get an apartment for both of them. They were constantly having people over and Pacey had gotten used to Joey texting him to bring home dinner even if he was getting home at midnight.

Tonight it was Jack and Jen. "I'm so glad you're home," Joey said. "These two keep saying they have important news but they won't just tell me, they have to tell both of us."

Pacey opened the boxes of food he'd brought home. "How does duck l'orange go with the big news? I also have a salad with walnuts and a vinaigrette and a medley of potatoes and cabbage."

"Ugh," Jen said. "Can I have just the cabbages?"

"Okay, weirdo," Pacey said.

"I have weird food cravings," Jen said.

"Because she's pregnant," Jack said.

Joey was reaching for glasses. "Okay, only three wine glasses needed."

Jack said, "And I'm the father."

"How is that -" Pacey squinted at the two of them. "Since when have either of you been sleeping with the opposite sex?"

"I had a boyfriend last year," Jen said. "But well, it was a party."

"We were drunk," Jack said.

"And also high," Jen said. "Just pot. Just really good pot."

"Three girls, who were mostly lesbian, two guys who were a lot gay," Jack said.

"But the other guy didn't have his penis anywhere near my vagina," Jen said.

"That is going to be quite the story for your kid," Joey said.

"We might not tell them," Jack said.

Jen said, "Aren't you even going to ask if we're going to have it?"

"Of course you are, or you wouldn't be here telling us," Pacey said. "If you were going to have an abortion, you might tell us afterward, but it wouldn't be big news you have to wait for me to come home for. So congrats! You both look scared out of your minds."

He hugged Jen until she laughed.

Jack did get a job teaching English at Capeside High, where he managed to be the cool gay teacher. Jen had her baby girl McPhee, they named her Amy. She lived next door to Jack until she decided to apply for grad school and then she lived with Jack and Amy except for her four days a week at Brown. She started a blog which was of course popular and at some point even made money for her.

Dawson only went to Emerson for a year and then, since his film did well at Sundance, he was constantly working. "As a straight white male who reminds all those execs of themselves," Jen said, "he gets opportunities thrown at him."

Pacey said, "What is wrong with this world?"

Andie went to Harvard Medical School, naturally.

Joey stupidly married Pacey, a decision he was thrilled about, but did think occasionally she could have done better. It was the best day of his life.

When Gayle remarried in 2008, she invited all of them back to Capeside.

Dawson was already in town on a mystery mission. "So the first season of your show is all wrapped up," Pacey said. "I can't believe you went for the triangle in the first season, man. You gotta build up to it."

"I know," Dawson said. "I made that argument but they never listen to me."

"It's your show," Joey said. "Why wouldn't they listen to you?"

"It's the network's show, I'm just the showrunner and head writer and occasional director," Dawson said.

"Thanks for making me hot and Latina," Joey said.

Jen, who had been quiet so far, said, "I seem to be less slutty and more neurotic and damaged, so I like that."

"You were never slutty," Dawson said warmly, smiling at her. Jen blushed.

Joey tugged at her bra. She was 7 months pregnant and she said everything she wore was uncomfortable. "Sorry, Jen, I know it's painful to have my pregnancy in your face."

"From anyone else, I would tell them they don't need to repeat it every time we see each other, but somehow from you I can take it," Jen said.

"I think it's worth focusing on how alive you are," Dawson said. "Alive and not dying because the problem was caught in time."

"Sure, sure," Jen said. "And who knows the next time I'll be in some sort of drunken orgy where Jack actually gets it up to knock me up again? Probably never." Jen's doctors had told her that she couldn't make it through another pregnancy.

"Now that he has a boyfriend," Pacey said. "My brother."

"Your brother," Joey said, shaking her head.

"Congrats, Joey, on your starred review," Dawson said. "Is it really the start of a series?"

It was Joey's third book, the first two had done surprisingly well to get her right smack in the middle of the midlist. "Post apocalyptic dystopias are going to be the big thing, I swear," Joey said. "It might be a series. I've only vaguely started on the next book which is in the same verse, maybe not the same people. Mostly, my brain is in pregnancy mode. Babies and crying and getting ready to be judged for every decision I make while Pacey skates free."

"You read Jen's blog too much," Dawson said.

"It's all true," Jen said.

"Come on, Jen has a very important feminist mommy blog," Joey said. "It's a niche but she's important."

"I love her blog," Dawson said.

"You just love her," Pacey said. Seeing everyone look surprised, he realized he'd said it out loud. "I mean, come on, it's obvious. You two had your make out and sex sessions all through college, and now here you are in Capeside on a secret mission, which is obviously make Jen love me or admit I'm dating Jen though God only knows why you didn't do it sooner."

Joey said, "Damn it, it's horribly obvious, I hate what pregnancy does to my brain."

Jen was blushing again. She said, "We've only been dating a few weeks, I swear."

Dawson said, "Depending on how you define dating, Jen."

"Well, I have a very specific definition and it's only been a few weeks. His big secret mission is that he's thinking of moving the production of the show to New York."

"New York doesn't really look like Capeside," Pacey said.

"Interiors in existing studio space, some shots there and then every four weeks we come down to Capeside to shoot exteriors. ER did something like it," Dawson said. "The cast will like it a lot better than filming in Vancouver, believe me."

"And you're closer to Brown," Pacey said. "I see your evil plan. You still jumped the gun on the triangle."

"I know," Dawson said. "You're not going to be upset when I make Petey have depression, are you?"

Pacey laughed. "Of course he is. Just let the poor guy go to college. I still think he should have had a chance with Alison. It's pretty mean to cut Andie out like that."

"I'm not cutting her out, I'm saving her big story for season 2," Dawson said.

"We should get going to the Potter B&B," Joey said. "We have this wedding tomorrow."

"You two can even kiss at it," Pacey said, helping Joey up.

As they walked to the car, Joey said, "So Dawson can make your stand in have only some of your problems?"

"Yup," Pacey said. "I know it's not the same, but I bet my dad would appreciate it if some version of Pacey actually made it to college."

"Your dad is so proud of you, Pacey. You own a restaurant, you own two."

"I'm the very minor investor in a restaurant Danny owns. And an equally minor investor in the cafe version of said restaurant at a hotel," Pacey said. He was extra paranoid in his driving now that Joey was pregnant.

"You have an ownership stake in a successful restaurant in New York City and an ownership stake in a successful restaurant in a fancy boutique hotel in Boston. You basically run the New York City kitchen," Joey said.

"I've been in the looney ward twice," Pacey said.

"The second time was totally voluntary, you knew you needed it and you did it. It was brave," Joey said. "I'm sure Dawson will make sure Petey's depression is well handled."

"The kid is totally ripped, have you noticed?"

"I wish you were in that kind of shape in high school," Joey said. "You weren't in bad shape, you were just a lot more baby fat-ish."

Joey took his hand and squeezed it. He said, "Hey, I need to be completely together for driving, precious cargo on board."

"You were never like this when I wasn't pregnant, which I'm trying not to take as an insult. Anyway, Petey would be lucky to end up like Pacey," she said. She kissed him on the cheek.

"It's cause I had you," Pacey said. "And have you."


End file.
